TV Shows That Never Were: The XYZ-Files (better than the X-Files)

A colourful alphabet
Don’t let this put you off, it’s still going to be a very violent series.

The X-Files was a hit 1990s TV shows with Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny. It was very popular. Everyone was going on about Scully, Mulder, and aliens.

We feel it’s time to bring the show back to life. Abduct it, even. And that’s why we think it’d benefit from a Kindergarten Cop type feel. Time to learn your ABCs, kids!

The XYZ-Files

This time around, the show rejoins Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) and Fox Mulder (Arnold Schwarzenegger) as 50 somethings.

Fired from the FBI for spreading propaganda about alien invasions, they’re now at a school in New York teaching kids English, math, science, history, and about terrifying alien invasions.

The last point isn’t on the curriculum. But Mulder is on it anyway. He’s convinced alien beings are real and will invade the planet. Independence Day style.

Scully, meanwhile, goes about her job as any normal redhead would.

The series follows their exploits, as Mulder assures the children scorching death by gamma ray wielding aliens isn’t all that bad. Nuclear fallout would be worse, after all!

However, the other teachers are a bit perplexed by Mulder’s unorthodox way of teaching.

Especially when he starts experimenting with atom bomb fragments in class. He also demands the kids write essays about the aftermath of the annihilation of the human race by “space zappers”.

The headteacher questions his teaching methods repeatedly, handing him multiple warnings. To which Mulder responds with, “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Remaining episodes deteriorate into Schwarzenegger one-liners and dodgy CGI aliens, culminating with viewers switching off in disgust.

Best Moments

Over its one season, five episode, cut from the air due to disastrous ratings, run, XYZ-Files did have a few entertaining moments. Here they are!

  • Mulder’s Maths Lessons: The former FBI agents takes it upon himself to teach the kids about aliens in class. One Callum (6) asks whether they’ll learn about algebra, Mulder responds with, “Based on your pupil dilation, skin temperature, and motor functions, I calculate an 83% probability that you will not solve the addition.” Little Callum later requests to swap to Scully’s class.
  • Scully’s Lunch Break: Whilst tucking into a particularly self-indulgent cherry and brie sandwich for lunch, teaching assistant Dave decides to hit on Scully. He sidles up to her with his bacon, egg, onion, and brown sauce sandwich and breathes onto her, “So, Scully, do you like to go to the movies?” Scully heaves as she takes in the stench and excuses herself, later reporting Dave to the police.
  • Mulder’s Paranoia: Heading into work one morning convinced an alien invasion is imminent, he insists the school lockdown and brace for slobbering monstrosities. Mulder stations himself on the roof all day, in baking summer heat, with his trusty bazooka at the ready. He eventually passes out due to dehydration and is rushed to hospital.
  • Scully’s Lunch Break #2: On returning to work after a month in jail, Dave attempts to apologise to Scully for his behaviour. Unfortunately, the night before he’d dined on garlic bread and onion soup. In the morning, he’d enjoyed an egg butty. As he breathes all over Scully again, she karate chops him in the face and he hits the floor.
  • Mulder’s Trip to the Museum: Mulder takes his class to the local history museum. However, whilst there he’s convinced the CIA are on his trail—dive rolling into the dinosaur department, he roars at the kids to flee to higher ground. He later finds the kids in McDonald’s dining on burgers and chips. Lost for words, he merely quips, “Consider that a divorce.” He quits his job and becomes a shelf stacker for Walmart.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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