Today we have a human female in self-isolation with her family. If that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out her human male husband chews with his mouth open.
Oh, it gets worse. He chews and speaks with his mouth open, too! Some men… are just complete and utter heathens.
Shut Your Mouth
Dear Professional Moron. I hope you're well? I am a 45 year old married to a 51 year old. My husband is called Dominic. He's a decent man, but now we're in isolation he's... starting to very much indeed annoy me with his lack of manners. Principally, he sits around during our meals. And he chews with his mouth open. And he talks with mouth full of food. And it is driving me INSANE. This is an example of a common conversation, from yesterday: Dom: I think Brexit will be fantastic for the country after this, [mumble, spittle, bits of food shooting out] and it gets the foreigners out. So there's more jobs for British people. Me: Darling, could we forget about that during this international pandemic? I think we should focus on personal wellbeing and... Dom: [Laughing uproariously] Typical remoaner! Who the hell did I marry? Them foreigners are always coming over here, taking our jobs... and what do they give back?! NOTHING! Rupert (our 10 year old son): Daddy, I think you're a nasty right-WHINGER! Dom: Well... I... never! YOU TAKE THAT RIGHT BACK, YOU LITTLE SOCIALIST BASTARD! I didn't go out into the street and vote Leave so that MY SON could [bits of cabbage and meatloaf flying everywhere] become a commie! Me: Darling, could you... Dom: This is why we need to bring back hanging! We bring it back, hang stuff, and then we have a much better society. Penelope (our 17 year old daughter): Father, the point of banning capital punishment was to rise above the level of fundamental barbarism. If we reintroduce hanging, we're lowering ourselves to the level of those committing abhorrent crimes. Dom: [Pompous expression on his face] What the hell has happened to my family? If the lads down the pub [meatloaf spraying over us] found out about this, I'd never hear the end of it! Penelope: Well yeah, because your mates are far-right fuckwits. Me: Penny, that's enough of that! Dom: You little [cabbage spraying across the table] shit! You're grounded for a month for that! Penelope: We're on lockdown, father, we're all grounded. Dom: Don't you get clever [bits of gravy dribbling from mouth, mashed carrot shooting across onto Rupert and Penelope] with me! Remember, I'M the one paying for your university fees! Penelope: I'm not going to university, you said it's too expensive. Dom: YOU UNGRATEFUL [pool of gravy developing on the table] BITCH! Me: Now, now, Dommmy! Let's just try to be civil! Dom: Well I've just about [roasted parsnips bits spraying across me] had enough of this! Commie bastards! And then he stormed out of the room. Now, I really do love that great man and all he stands for. But it's making our evening meals somewhat awkward. Please assist us! Regards, Freda Fredson
Hello, Freda. Dominic certainly sounds like an opinionated fellow!
With regard to his food spraying antics, even those without misophonia would struggle on this one. His behaviour is quite loutish.
The best bet is to sit at the dinner table with a chainsaw revving. Rev it up prior to the meal, then place it near to you (such as next to the gravy boat).
Then, should Dominic talk with his mouth full, you can grab the chainsaw, wield it menacingly, and that should get him to back down.
What If He Doesn’t Back Down?
Well, Freda, you have two options there. And those are as follows:
- Cleave him in two, thusly ending the problem once and for all. Although, do note, that is classed as murder and may result in a prison sentence.
- Substitute the chainsaw for a flamethrower or cattle prod. We suggest the latter, so you can jam it into him whenever parsnip bits spray over you.
Ultimately, we must all deal with the personal foibles of family members during this time. More than ever, as we’re in such close quarters.
As such, you must terrify the bejeezus out of him to ensure harmony.
Or just chloroform him and lock him in a spare room. You can then force bits of cheese under his door until this crisis is over. Problem solved.