Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I stop my headache?”

A thermometer and a mixture of drugs
Headache cure ahoy.

Back once again with expert advice from Dr. Moron. Today, it’s one of the most common human ailments—a migraine. LET’S DO THIS!!

Tips for Curing a Headache

Disclaimer: We’re NOT qualified doctors and you should ignore all of our terrible advice whenever humanly possible to do so.

Hello, Dr. Moron. I've got a really bad headache today. It's interfering with my work requirements and it's happened quite a lot recently. I was wondering if you could provide some learned advice on alleviating the issue? Thank you, Josephine

Hi, Josephine. A headache is a type of gout for the brain, indicating you’re overindulging on certain foods and/or drink.

You’re entirely to blame for this development (it’s your brain, after all, so tell it to bloody well behave). But the good news is there’s experimental surgery available to help deal with this matter.

Plus, drugs. Paracetamol may prove effective, but for a long-term solution we can recommend a:

  • Brain transplant.
  • Hair transplant.
  • Pedicure.
  • Trip to the Bahamas (for the salubrious weather).

Open heart surgery is another good option. Simply as it’ll make you forget about what’s going on in your skull.

However, for a more direct solution to your woes, you need to improve your diet. And ensure your brain is in good working order.

A Cessation on Headaches

It’s Dr. Moron’s lifelong dream to cure the migraine once and for all.

He wrote a paper in 2015 postulating his theories on why they occur. This is a verbatim extract from On Headaches and the Intrinsic Gout-Based Hereditary Nature of Migraines and/or Human Stupidity:

"Furthermore, records indicate the first headache was observed by early man in the Neolithic era. In a man cave, there is evidence of wall art. A crude message scrawled onto a wall in white paint, 'Me head hurt me smash things with hammer'.

This wall art was discovered by hikers in Cornwall in 2012. However, experts have since suggested this was merely the work of local hoodlums after one too many Red Bull and vodka mixers. 

These so-called 'experts' neglect that this cave is up a steep hill and would take considerable effort to get to. Not exactly the sort of endeavour lazy vagabonds would indulge in. 

Thusly, this evidence firmly confirms how headaches have blighted early man (and probably women) since at least 2012. 

Pertaining to this deadly plague, I intend to eradicate the headache with the use of a paracetamol elixir."

And it’s that elixir that Dr. Moron (aka our esteemed editor—Mr. Wapojif) has slavishly worked on over the last eight years.

It employs the name Super Headache Killer and consists of maximum strength paracetamol, Marmite, ketamine, TCP, and lysergic acid diethylamide.

After personally testing the product, Dr. Moron fell into a coma for three weeks. But emerged from it with the following observation:

"I was relatively headache free, having suffered no prior headaches to taking the medicinal property. However, I did sense a slight hint of nausea, which was confirmed with several furious bouts of vomiting. This resulted in a severe headache in the aftermath, for which I took three tablets of Super Headache Killer (SHK) to combat the issue. I am aware I passed into another coma after this, simply as I did eventually wake from that and was informed by family, friends, and colleagues to cease my, 'insane intellectual posturing'. Their pessimism will not dampen my desire to destroy headaches once and for all."

So, Josephine, if you’d like a trial run of SHK you can send us £300 for a pack of 50. This may (or may not) stop your headache.

Do note, side effects of taking the product can result in the following ailments:

  • Coma
  • Vomiting (after the coma)
  • Confusion and disorientation
  • Psychotic fits of violence (or that may just be Dr. Moron’s personality disorder in action)
  • Loss of personal budget (due to buying the drugs)
  • Further headaches

Please note, you’ll take SHK at your own risk and there are no refunds.

Also, should you choke on the tablets (as each one is the size of a tangerine), please ensure someone with knowledge of the Heimlich maneuver (or any kind of abdominal thrusting) is within 10 feet of you at the time of consumption.

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