Exclusive Invention: Skydiving Chess (strategy from a height)

A chess board the its 32 pieces
Chess!

Sometimes we just hit on an idea that we know will make us billionaires. And this was such a moment—chess. In skydiving form. Brilliant, right?

We feel the ancient board game needs violently dropping into whatever century this is. And here’s the very idea to do just that.

What is Skydiving Chess?

It’s a standard game of chess, but in more extreme form. Basically, combatants will hurl themselves out of an aeroplane at 13,000 feet. And then compete in a game of chess.

As dropping from that height lasts for about 60 seconds, only the sharpest chess minds should look to engage in this extreme sport.

If you don’t complete the game within that allotted time limit, you either:

  • Smack into the Earth and die horribly (losing in the process).
  • Give up on the game and yank on your parachute cord, abandoning the match (and losing/drawing in the process).
  • Actually complete the game and win! Just remember to pull that parachute cord, or you’ll end up a bloody pulp (but victorious all the same).

So, the stakes are high! Do you have the nerve for it?! If so, then you could well become the world’s first intellectual chess playing skydiving master.

How to Play Chess Whilst Skydiving

Before indulging in this great sport, you should do the following:

  1. Make sure you know how to play chess (there’s an episode of Bottom that’ll teach you about it).
  2. Make sure you know how to skydive.
  3. Make sure you know how to play chess whilst skydiving.

This is trickier than it sounds. Typically, you and your competitor will hurl yourselves from the plane with the chessboard and 32 pieces.

Many of those bits (particularly the pawns) will go hurtling off in another direction, so you’ll need to spend some time gathering them together.

We worked out that only 1% of skydiving chess matches actually begin during a free fall. And 0.9% begin with less than five seconds before imminent death.

This leads to most skydiving chess players making one move each of a pawn shifting forwards two squares.

After this (and much to our fascination and disbelief), the competitors would abandon the game and yank on their parachute cords.

These individuals (whom we shan’t name) then later classified the game as “absurd” and “bullshit” when we interviewed them.

Several players did, however, manage to spend a solid 20 seconds getting properly stuck into a match.

So absorbed were they that they refused to release their parachutes. And, heroically, they thumped into the Earth.

Unfortunately, due to death, we couldn’t get a quote from them about their experiences. But they seemed to really enjoy skydiving chess. Bravo!

Skydiving Chess World Championship 2021

Due to the success of our new sport, we’re planning to host the inaugural World Championship intellectual battle in Burnley of Lancashire.

This will be in summer of 2021. We’re intending to have at least 1,000 contestants and want a crowd of at least 500,000.

It’s £50 to enter and you must supply your own parachute and chess equipment.

You’ll also need an aeroplane, pilot, and you’ll have to sign a legal waiver in the event of your bone shattering demise.

Should you succumb to fatality at the championship, your name will be scrawled into the winner’s trophy. Thusly ensuring your legend for the rest of eternity.

And for the glorious victor? You’ll get a free fish & chips supper and a jar of brand new, fresh off the shelf Marmite. Champion!

15 comments

  1. Rarely have I been so hyped over a challenge (and just 50 pds) I’ve ordered paraphernalia, the only thing I’m lacking is a partner. I’ve plastered posters on trees teasing with the fish, chips, and Marmite so It’s just matter of time. See you in Burnley of Lancashire.

    Liked by 2 people

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