During the coronavirus pandemic, we must all social distance and wear a face mask. However, some people don’t like to social distance or wear a face mask.

Such as certain human beings. And dogs. And many animals, in fact. The animal kingdom has a lot to answer for!

Dogs & Social Distancing

Hiya. I've been training my pet dogs, Snuffums and Cuddles (both bitches—by which I mean they're female, not an unpleasant woman) with regard to the coronavirus pandemic. 

My neighbour, Bozzer, says I shouldn't bother because it's, "All leftist propaganda and we'll all be living in Gulags by December if we listen to those libtard commie bastards." Whilst I agree with him liberals are diseased scum, I'm worried my pet dogs will face the liberal wrath for not social distancing. 

Snuffums and Cuddles are very happy and friendly dogs. They'll bound merrily up to anyone they see for attention. Last week, Snuffums bounded at an old man with a walking stick. "Hello little doggy!" he croaked (possibly in terror), such was his DELIGHT at meeting one of my beautiful dogs. And then Snuffums hurled herself on the pensioner and knocked him to the ground and started licking him. 

Such are the joys of allowing my beautiful pet dogs to run with wild abandon out in society! But the old man was very upset and called me a, "Stupid young pillock!" I'm 47! How dare he chastise me thus. 

His words hit me hard. And then Bozzer mentioned the Gulags. I don't want Snuffles and Cuddles going to any liberal Gulags! Therefore, I started training them in basic COVID-19 health and safety regulations. This includes:

- Keeping a 2 metre distance from everyone at all times (to do this I scream at everyone to back away from me and my dogs). 
- Face masks for the dogs, although they usually try eating them or have them off their faces within 10 seconds. 
- Absolutely no licking (unless it's 100% necessary). 
- Absolutely no panting (unless it's a warm day). 
- Absolutely no jumping on old people. 

I trial ran this yesterday, but I feel more training is in order. This is because Snuffums hurled herself on THREE old people during our evening walk! All of whom called me a "pillock"! What is it with those fuddy-duddies and that stupid word? 

Cuddles, meanwhile, charged at a child with an ice cream, but lost interest when she spotted a squirrel. She spent 10 minutes under a tree barking at the tree and the squirrel. I laughed so much I wet myself!

Anyway, have you got any other suggestions? I feel I've done my bit for society, but I still have people telling me off!

Regards, Penelope Camilla Stephenson (but you can call me Penny)

Hi, Penny. As far as we’re aware, you and your dogs won’t be jailed for your above behaviour. Nor will owning a dog instigate a totalitarian state.

Regarding the squirrel incident, it does sound like your dogs are a bit out of control and overly excitable. Have you considered purchasing a robotic dog instead?

You can keep Cuddles and Snuffles safe in your home and take the Fido 2.0 for a walk. It’s our state of the art robotic dog! The benefits of this include:

• No poop scooping necessary.
• It’ll attack most people on sight.
• Only a 16 hour battery charging mode!
• The robot can’t contract coronavirus.

Yes, that’s a plug for us right there. But, frankly, we can’t figure out what else to suggest for you. Just behave yourself and wear a mask, eh?