Agony Aunt: “My husband keeps peeing on the toilet seat!”

A toilet in a modern bathroom
There it is. The toilet.

When you live with a human male, along with the foul stench one must be aware of the possibility of pee on a toilet seat.

A human male’s aim can’t always be the best. However, most human females have no sympathy for such a state of affairs. Like today’s long-suffering individual.

Pee on the Toilet Seat

Dear Agony Aunt. My husband is a bastard son of a bitch! 20 years we've lived together. 20 years he's been piddling on the toilet seat! And I've had enough!! 

What is the problem with this situation? Why are men like this? It's simple, isn't it? 

- Go to the toilet.
- Lift the lid.
- Stand there, aim, use the toilet. 
- If you urinate on the toilet seat, at least clean the seat up.

Yet day after day, year after year, he's peeing all over the seat! And it's gross! Sometimes I forget and sit down in the stuff! "TREVOR!!!!" I screamed yesterday when it happened. 

Well, he said I was being a "precious snowflake" about it and that he doesn't complain about when I leave the toilet seat down. 

I've not said I word to him since. I quietly left the house, got in the car, and drove to my friend's place. 

I fear this will end in divorce. But I don't want to divorce him because of urine! Help! Save my marriage! Yours, Mindy

Hi, Mindy. There’s no excuse for urinating on the toilet seat. In fact, the International Anti-Urinating on the Toilet Seat Act 1999 clearly states:

“Any human male, or otherwise, urinating on a toilet seat is liable of up to a decade of incarceration. Additionally, they may face evisceration and/or a public flogging if they fail to apologise for their misdemeanour.

It’s believed the initial punishment for peeing on the toilet seat was for the offender to be hung, drawn, and quartered.

However, it was later decided this was “too harsh” (another example of how PC snowflakes are ruining the world!). So, that’s no longer a punishment.

Remind your husband that he faces jail time unless he corrects his ways.

You can also form a protest group to convince your local government to bring back hanging, drawing, and quartering as appropriate punishment for peeing on a toilet seat.

In the meantime, there’s nothing stopping you from erecting (lol) public stocks in your front garden. Next time your husband breaks the law, chloroform him, then stick him in the stocks.

Encourage locals to call him “toilet seat dickhead” and pelt rotten eggs and tomatoes at the bastard. That’ll humiliate him and make him see the error of his ways.

Now, some may claim this is all a bit over the top for a “minor” offense like this. “It’s not like he’s robbed a bank or anything!” The PC brigade will whine.

Wrong! There’s no excuse for this. The toilet seat is a sacred realm and it must not be tarnished! Hope that helps, Mindy.

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