Ask Dr. Moron: “How does one deal with acne?”

A boy with acne
Acne me do!

The human body is confusing and gross. Sometimes acne bursts out. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it does.

Today’s human male is wondering about why his spots are so spotted. Well, we’re here to help this pathetic wastrel. With doctor type sympathy etc.

Dealing With Spots

Disclaimer: Our medical advice is terrible. Do not pay attention to it.

Greetings. One is Maximilian Sebastian, one in a million. One is from a suitably wealthy family in Oxfordshire, boasting many acres of land. One's father, Jeffrey Sebastian, is a successful goat salesman who also dabbles with illegal arms deals and cocaine on the black market. 

However, at 17 one but, for one, feels like one's face is erupting in pustules of irrelevance. Spots, one could say. Not that it's attractive. One was attempting to ask Dame Penelope McMistress' daughter out of late and yet one feels like a pool of pallid vomit. One just doesn't have the capacity to "pull" (as it were) when one looks ghastly. 

Much distress. Please, can you sort this issue out for one post haste Regards, Maximilian

Hi, Max. Acne is a state of mind, dipshit. All you have to do is hypnotise yourself and then it’ll stop happening.

In the meantime, get a butcher’s knife and scrape the acne from your face with the flat side of the blade. This is known as an “acne shave”.

Next, get some industrial grade bleach and slop it over your face to cauterize the open wounds and cuts on your face.

Congratulations! You no longer have acne. However, you may notice some side effects after this procedure. Including:

  • Your skin peeling from your face, as if you have third-degree burns.
  • You’ll stink of bleach.
  • The bleach fumes will make you unsteady on your feet.
  • Your butcher’s knife will never be the same to you ever again.
  • The butcher you stole the knife from will be angry (and, subsequently, terrified upon seeing your bloodied visage).

Whilst you should be alarmed about the above developments, the best bet is to get drunk and forget about your worries.

That’ll also take away the pain of having your acne shave.

However, do remember you should be wary of getting an infection after your acne shave. So you may want to start dabbing petrol onto your face to sterilise it.

However, be careful not to hang around naked flames after doing so. As this could result in self-immolation.

However, should your acne later return we guess the third-degree burn look will work better than unsightly spots, eh?

However, we’ll leave that decision up to you. All the best, Max!

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