Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I tell if I’m pregnant?”

A pregnant woman sitting down holding her stomach with a dog at her feet.
“Cripes! That was a filling five course meal.”

Pregnancy and birth are wonderful things (about 53% of the time) and it’s only natural many women consider having more than one baby (for example, 12 of them).

But how do you know if you have one of them? Well, there are ways to check! And we’re here today to help one human female work it out.

How to Tell if You’re Pregnant

Disclaimer: We aren’t qualified doctors and generally have no idea what we’re on about. Please ignore our advice.

All right? I'm Fiona. I've been getting quite big around me stomach recently and figured I must be close to birthing a baby. 

Not sure it's the right time as I don't really have the money for it but whatever, if it's there it's there. 

Anyway I'm just trying to figure out a few things. I've not had a boyfriend since 13 months ago and that were the last time I "did it" and so I figured is 13 months the right incubation period? My bestie Sally says babies incubate for 12 months and then you birth them and then it's over. That right? 

I've not been given it much thought really. I've been on furlough for like 5 month and have been sitting about eating pies and crisps and now me belly is hanging out and I want to get slim again. So when is this thing going to, you know, eject itself? I don't mean like in a James Bond ejector seat type way (my ex watched loads of James Bond films lol) because babies don't eject like that but I'm getting a bit bored of this and I want it out so I can go partying again. 

Are there ways to speed this birthing shit up? Can I, like, take a baby laxative or something? Getting on me bloody nerves. I'm not doing this again! Pregnancy is such a pain in the arse. Cheers, Fiona

Hi, Fiona! We’ve never handled a pregnancy before, but after careful research we’ve determined a baby’s incubation period in the “womb” (which is a, sort of, container for babies—like how a tin holds baked beans) is nine months.

We had to triple check that to ensure the womb has nothing to do with The Wombles TV show and, indeed, it doesn’t.

As such, your 13 month incubation period appears to be incorrect. There are some possibilities to consider here:

  • You had a drunken liaison you’ve forgotten about at some point in the last nine months.
  • You were abducted by aliens and we’re dealing with a totally different species here, which may lead to a longer incubation period.
  • You have a phantom pregnancy, which is where a poltergeist has invaded your home—you’ll need to perform an exorcism of your premises if this is the case.
  • You’ve gained a load of weight due to a sedentary lifestyle and excessive pie and crisps consumption.

Unfortunately, we can’t determine any of the above for you. So, you’ll need to visit a building with procedures for that type of thing. A hospital would do the trick.

Once there they’ll do a combination of the following to see if you’re pregnant:

  • Check your blood pressure.
  • Check if you have athlete’s foot.
  • Check if you have excessive nostril hair.
  • Jab at you with hospital equipment.
  • Track your family history to see if your ancestors suffered from pregnancies.

Or you could just buy a pregnancy test from a shop. Pregnancy Tests “R” Us, or whatever it is.

If you don’t want to buy one, then consider stealing it. Pregnant women usually get away with things like that. All the best!

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