Whether you have hair or not, head lice can invade your skull and leave you feeling more of a monster than a human being.

Dealing with the pesky bastards is hard work. But we’re on hand with our medical “expertise” to save the day.

What Do I Do About Head Lice?

Disclaimer: We have no idea what we’re on about. Ignore us.

Hi Dr. Moron. I'm Johnny and I'm 15 years old. Last month I was combing my hair when I saw loads of white wriggling bits were coming out with it. I had a closer look and saw I've got nits. 

I started screaming and mummy ran into my room and yelled, "Shuddup or I'll 'it yer!" So I shut up. She was really red in the face, I think she may have a brain tumour or rabies. 

So I decided to calm down and now the head lice are my pets and I love them like a brother. But they've really taken over the home and my whole family has them now, so mummy wants to wipe them out using bleach. 

I've said no to this because the head lice are like brothers to me. My real life brothers called me an "idiot" and "stupid loser" and a "stinky pants pile of dumb". I cried and we had a fist fight and I broke my younger brother's nose. But he was kicking my shins dead hard so I think it was fine that I smashed his nose in. But he cried and had to go to hospital and still isn't talking to me. 

Mummy made me sleep in the garden as punishment and I now have fleas as well as head lice. Daddy says I'm a "problem child" and they should probably have me "sectioned". I'm not sure what that is. Maybe sleeping in a new bedroom? I wouldn't mind a really private room so I've gone along with that and have asked that they have me sectioned. 

But daddy then got fleas and has decided to have the house "fumigated" instead, but I have to pay for this by getting a paperboy route. I was dead angry about that so I told him to stick his paperboy route up his bottom. Daddy went really red in the face, like he has a brain tumour or something, and yelled at me that I'm a "loser" that's "destined to failure". I said back, "Takes one to know one!" And I stuck my middle finger up at him. He started yelling like crazy and I legged it out of the house. But we're still in national lockdown so the police got me and brought me home. 

Daddy locked me in the bathroom and him and mummy had a massive argument with the "pigs" about me, the head lice, fleas and that sort of thing. They didn't let me out all night so I slept in the bath. The next day daddy came in and had forgot I was in the bathroom and was using the toilet in a dead loud way and I started screaming and he started yelling and mummy rushed in and started shouting... this is what my life is like.

What do you think? Callum

Hi, Callum! There’s an old Russian proverb we think is handy:

“Если собираетесь называть себя молочником, садитесь в корзину!”

It means, “If you are going to call yourself a milk-mushroom, get in the basket!” We think this is a perfect solution to your situation.

Move to Russia and become a milk-mushroom. We don’t know what that is, really, but if you’re in Russia it’s a long way from your family.

They sound like tossers. Putting some distance between you and them is a good bet. And, hey, you can maybe open up a flea or head louse circus?

That’d earn you a living while you down vodka, battle subzero temperatures, get to grips with communism, and master the language.

Best of luck with that, Callum. Get back in touch a decade from now and let us know how tricks are going.