Agony Aunt: “My husband wants to be a free solo rock climber!”

A cartoon man about to scale a mountain
Go for it, sonny Jim!

When a human male has a mid-life crisis, a human female has a serious problem on her hands. What will the dunce get up to, exactly?

Well, this week we have a bloke who wants to overcome his ageing by doing one of the most dangerous things in the world. Good for him, we say!

Controlling Your Husband’s Rock Climbing Mid-Life Crisis

After watching Free Solo the other night (at the suggestion of your website), my 53 year old husband now wants to rekindle his youth and free solo a sheer mountain face. 

I told him that it's a ridiculous idea, to which he shouted back at me, "So was our wedding day, you daft old battle axe!" I asked him what he meant by that and he just grunted. 

That weekend, he went out to Ben Nevis and tried to scale up the 1,345 metres rock face. This resulted in the Lochaber Mountain Rescue team deploying a helicopter to get him off the rock, which he was clinging to 50ft up and refusing to let go of due to sheer terror. 

Despite this humiliation, he's also refusing to give up on his "lifelong dream". A week later, he was back up Ben Nevis and within hours the same rescue team was peeling him off the cliff face. 

After that he was banned from the mountain and told never to return. However, he was back AGAIN the following weekend wearing a disguise (a false moustache, a hat, and a pair of sunglasses). This time he didn't get stuck, but he did fall off after 10 ft and sprained his ankle. He called for the Lochaber Mountain Rescue team, but they sent a police car. Before it arrived my husband was able to hobble off and hide under a rock. 

He spent a week living in the wilderness evading police capture, while surviving off discarded McDonald's titbits left by local chavs. 

After that week, and even before his ankle had properly healed, and when he was weak and feeble looking, he had ANOTHER go at scaling Ben Nevis free solo. This time he got no further than 15ft and got stuck again. 

Once more, he called for the Lochaber Mountain Rescue team using a false name (Johnathan McHaggis) and the helicopter came out again. However, the rescue team identified him immediately and got really angry. 

My husband was sent off to jail, where he still is after several days. I've spoken to him over the phone about this whole embarrassing experience. He's still determined to climb Ben Nevis free solo! I told him he's crazy. He called me a, "Dream ruining old cow!"  

This is all your fault! Regards, Margery

Hi Margery. We refute such a claim that this is our fault, all we did was review the film. Not market it and order your husband to watch the bloody thing.

Ultimately, he has free will. And if he wants to try and climb a mountain without any safety measures, that’s his stupid and somewhat suicidal decision to do so.

Once he’s released from jail, it seems natural to let him continue with what comes across as a mindless rocking climbing addiction.

We suggest you let him get it out of his system. What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, he could plunge a few hundred feet and become a pizza splat on the Scottish highlands. If you like him, that’d be a shame.

However, that may also be a useful approach to avoid divorce proceedings and get on with your life.

So, mull it over. If he’s as annoying as he sounds, we’d just leave him to it.

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