Employees are feckless and idiotic things who are far inferior than you, the superior business owner. This is why some of your staff may chew gum.

As with eating apples in the office, chewing gum at work is dumb and can result in a variety of deadly illnesses, such as scurvy, food poisoning, and halitosis.

As such, it’s essential your business makes it clear what your policies on chewing gum are. And this guide will help you understand the perils at stake.

The Law on Chewing Gum in the Workplace

There are a number of reasons why your employees may decide to chew gum during working hours. These can include:

• Due to chronic boredom.
• Under the mistaken belief chewing gum is nice.
• To mask the fact they’ve been drinking alcohol on the job.
• As a colleague offered it to them, but they were too polite to say no.
• Because they’re dumb enough to like chewing gum.

Until recently, there were no laws in the workplace on this foodstuff activity.

However, after billionaire lobby groups moved to change employment laws, the Employees Chewing Gum at Work Control and Enforcement Act 2017 came into effect. This stipulates:

“Chewing gum at work poses many threats to employers and is of grave concern for the economy. As recently as 2016, professionals chewing gum in the workplace led to 27,000 cases of workplace injury that resulted in £15 billion in losses for the economy.

Employees who chew gum are putting themselves at risk of:

a) Dislocating their jaw.

b) Suffering from lockjaw.

c) Annoying colleagues with squelchy noises (see misophonia).

d) Swallowing the gum, suffocating, and dying with a, sort of, “ZOMG! I think I’m suffocating… help!” expression on their dumb face.

e) Getting the gum stuck in one tooth so when they chew upwards, the gum lifts the tooth below resulting in a sharp pain.

All of the above are terrible for workplace productivity. Along with the likes of dandruff at work, gum is merely another tedious irrelevance blocking your business from more success.

In turn, this means you, the business owner, can’t go around feeling as smug to the extent you would like to.”

In fact, under the Employees Chewing Gum at Work Control and Enforcement Act 2017 employers have the legal right to decapitate two employees per annum on the basis of gum chewing offenses.

Who you choose to shred limb from limb is entirely at your discretion.

The Popularity of Chewing Gum at Work

Do keep in mind that cold-bloodedly murdering employees for consuming bubblegum on your watch may result in a toxic working environment.

It can lower staff morale, induce unnecessary terror, and promote a feeling of general fear and/or discomfort at work.

This is because employees, as previously indicated, love chewing gum. For many, they think it makes them look:

• Cool.
• More attractive to the opposite sex.
• Free-spirited.
• Prone to arbitrary chewing on foodstuffs.
• Skilled at blowing bubbles.

Many of these are erroneous beliefs. Chewing gum on 99.9% of occasions, and in fact, makes 99.9% of people look like tossers.

Spread this information liberally around your workplace, starting with an aggressive leaflet campaign and posters indicating how stupid gum is.

You should also encourage staff members to mercilessly bully colleagues who choose to partake in gum chewing.

Reward the abstainers with rewards. Pay rises, bonuses, extra days off etc.

Do everything in your power to ostracise those who do chew gum and exercise your option to annihilate the worst offenders.

Blowing Bubblegum Bubbles at Work

On a final note, as a health and safety precaution you’ll also need to have a workplace policy on blowing bubble gum bubbles in the working environment.

If these detonate on your premises, it can result in severe injury and/or worse.

The largest bubblegum bubble ever blown was 20 inches by Chad Fell in Winston County, US, indicating the dangers of this activity.

Workplace health and safety experts have predicted if a bubblegum bubble of that size was to detonate, it would kill most life within a three mile radius.

To avoid this devastating outcome, establish clearly in your policy something along the lines of the following:

• Gum is insanely dangerous.
• Blowing bubbles with gum can lead to the death of hundreds of staff members. This is an act of gross misconduct and could result in disciplinary action against the gum chewer.
• Chewing gum is banned at work.
• Blowing gum bubbles at work is a fireable offense worthy of instant dismissal.

You can take such a draconian approach to gum if you so wish.

Remember, it’s your business. As with treading on gum in the street, your business (as with the sole of a shoe) could become stuck and shut down. And that’s annoying.