Hello. I are Egor. Welcome to Egor’s Equity Release Emporium (& Chippy), the only equity release business that serves fish & chips.
You want to release equity? You want fish & chips? You come to Egor’s Equity Release Emporium (& Chippy) to release equity and eat fish & chips.
Releasing Equity From Your Home
Equity release allow you to release money from your home. This without having to move home.
If you are 55 years of age or over, you can unlock the value of your home, keep your home, get a big lump sum of hard cash, and you get fish & chips!
Come on down to Egor’s today off the junction of the M1 outside of London. You park in free car park. We serve you fish & chips. Splendid dining experience!
Then you come into shop and we help you release equity. We get you mortgage arrangement like:
- Interest only.
- Retirement interest only (RIO).
- Home reversion.
- Shared appreciation.
- Home income plan.
No quibbles. You pick, you get hard cash, then we serve you more fish & chips. Whether you still hungry or not.
You then drive home feeling very full and very satisfied, plus filthy rich with new wodge of hard cash. Rejoice! Stop off at a McDonald’s on way home for a burger, maybe?
Why Should You Use Equity Release?
If you are a bit poor, stupid, and lazy (but you still have own home), then you can get a bit more rich, intelligent, and hyper with equity release.
You can unlock up to 60% of the value of your home!
With that hard cash, you can then use it to advance your life in some manner no one else give a toss about. Behold:
- You pay for your kid’s university fees in vague hope they grow up less stupid than you.
- Annihilate your debt with lump sum cash!
- Use cash to buy a Ferrari and pretend you are very rich and well endowed to impress younger women easily wooed by such inanities.
- Open fish & chips shop after excellent dining experience at Egor’s Equity Release Emporium (& Chippy). Revel in the exciting world of deep fat frying potatoes and excellent life decision.
- Take lump sum cash on insane casino trip and put it all on black!
The sky is limit! Come on down to Egor’s today to make all your wildest fantasies come true.
You could be driving back up the M1 in Ferrari, with young babe, and full with excellent fish & chips before you can say, “I really like chips!”
Is Releasing Equity a Good Idea?
Of course! Especially if you want fish & chips thrown into bargain.
Sure, it does not pay full market value for your home and so you’ll get less money than if you sold it like a normal person. Plus the money released needs repaying when you die or move into care home.
But then what?
You sell home like normal person?! Then you no longer have a home! You have to go and live in tent off the M1 like a tramp. What is wrong with you, stupid?
No, you want to release equity, keep home, get lump sum cash, and get fish & chips.
Did you know babes love fish & chips? You start new life in Cornwall with young attractiveness lady and you run chippy like a legend. Bliss!
So, you come on down to Egor’s Equity Release Emporium (& Chippy) to ditch your wife, begin a new life, and dine with a plastic knife.