Are you BORED of getting your haircut in the same old, dull, tedious, mind-numbing way!? Snip, snip, snip! The scissors are dull, aren’t they? Yawn!
Well, you’re in luck! Because at Basket Case Ben’s Bonkers Barbers we do things differently!
It’s loud. It’s exciting. There’s a strong possibility of severe blood loss! What are you… chicken!? Buk-buk-buk!
Ben’s Bonkers Chainsaw Haircuts
At Basket Case Ben’s, our team of barbers are highly trained in the art of haircut by chainsaw. They’re the best in the world!
Whether you need a clipper cut, fade, short back and sides, asymmetrical, or you’re balding so rapidly you need us to pretend that’s not happening, then we’re the barbers for you!
We do it all BY CHAINSAW!
- Disconnected hairstyle
- Flat top
- Zero taper
- Point cut
- Blunt cut
You name it, we’ve done it all with our state-of-the-art range of petrol-driven STIHL Chainsaws MS 661 C-M.
We’re open 24/7, mate! So come on down with your mates and get an orgy of a haircut together, whether it’s 5am, 6am, or 4pm. We’re open!
All you have to do is turn up, wait your turn, and then we strap you into your seat so you won’t panic attack on us and flee the scene.
There’s no way you’re getting away before you’ve paid us, bro! It’s only a chainsaw, after all, you precious snowflake!
How Chainsaw Haircuts Work
Once you’re strapped in, our barber gets to work! Think Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but he’s not here to murder you dead!
No, it’s just an informal haircut as the chainsaw revs at 120 decibels beside your unprotected skull.
Between your bouts of hysterics, panic, and screaming, the barber will VERY LOUDLY engage you in polite chitchat such as:
- “YOU GOT YOUR ‘OLIDAYS BOOKED, MATE?!” *brum-brum-brum-brum-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
- “YOU SEE THE MATCH LAST NIGHT, MATE!?” *brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-brum-brum-brum-brum*
- “YOU WATCH CORRIE LAST NIGHT, MATE?” *brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-brum-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-brum-brum*
- “WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE TYPE OF PORNOGRAPHY, MATE!?” *brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-brum-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-brum-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
- “‘OW’S THE MISSUS, MATE!?”*brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-brum-CRUNCH* “Oh, sorry mate! I accidentally slipped into your shoulder blade and the bone’s protruding out of your body at a funny angle. What are you screaming about? Don’t be such a girl, mate! T’ambulance is on t’ way, mate, you’ve only lost a pint of blood so far. Be reet!”
Please be aware, in the event of a chainsaw severing part of your body (or creating a gaping wound), we maintain a no refund policy.
In the event you should die on our premises due to exsanguination, we’ll contact your next of kin for you with with the following message:
“O’reet? Regrettably, [insert name] has succumbed to [insert fatal injury, such as blunt force trauma] at Basket Case Ben’s Bonkers Barbers. We would like to inform you [insert name] died horribly doing what he loved most—getting his haircut. For the record, his final words was, “ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!” And then a, sort of, gurgle.
Just to note, due to his regrettable demise he weren’t able to pay the bill. Please forward the £20 owed to us by cheque, PayPal, or drop the funds off at our premises when you is collecting [insert name’s] corpse. Cheers! Ben”
Do note, we’re committed to ensuring our chainsaws are of the safest possible standard during any given haircut.
Basket Case Ben’s Bonkers Barbers prides itself on its 71% haircut survival rate, which we intend to raise to at least 75% over the next year.