How to Go Bald Gracefully (a manly man’s guide)

How to go bald gracefully
This guy is doing it right.

It’s been just over a year since Mr. Wapojif started shaving his skull to combat male pattern balding, although you can’t congratulate him on this as he’ll beat you with his fists in dismayed fury (it’s a touchy subject for men, you see). Alas, for 80% of the male population the hair on one’s bonce will call it quits and leave one with a shiny cranium which people will stare at, judge, and ultimately cast you out of society for.

When you go bald, your wife will leave you (or girlfriend/boyfriend), you’ll become a loathable git, and an unemployable wretch – as happened with Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Sir Patrick Stewart, Mark Strong, John Malkovich, Pete Townshend, Vin Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Andre Agassi, Billy Zane, Hunter S. Thompson, Woody Harrelson etc. As you can tell from these highly unsuccessful men, going bald will destroy your chances in life. Here’s how to make sure you stay on track!

The 5 Stages of Male Pattern Balding

  1. Denial: “I’m not going bald, it’s just the stupid barber cut it too close to my skull. I should sue him, but I’m too busy growing my hair to bother.”
  2. Irrationality: “There’s a bald patch there at the back of my head… I’m sure it’ll grow back, though. Yes. Yes! It’ll grow back. I’ll never go bald. I’m no bald headed bastard!”
  3. Panic Mode (see below): “OH MY ****ING GOD! I’m going to be a ****ing outcast! Everyone will hate me! What do I do?!”
  4. Saving Up For a Hair Transplant (i.e. stupidity): “Okay, if I only eat baked beans for six months I’ll save £6,000 and then that’s one tenth of the way to funding my hair transplant.”
  5. Acceptance and Moving On: “You know what, after buzzing my head this is actually not that bad at all. Huh. Wish someone had told me this beforehand. It would have saved a lot of emotional turmoil.”

An Alternative #5

5. Waste £30,000+on a Hair Transplant: “You know what, I could have spent £20 for some hair clippers and saved £100 a year in haircuts as a consequence, but this £30,000 hair transplant is much more worthwhile. Now I don’t look as hideous as Hollywood Hunks Bruce Willis or Jason Statham. Thank Christ!”

Panic Mode Examined

Yes, so Mr. Wapojif went through much of the above (moronically), before taking the plunge and buzzing away. As this stuff interests us, we did a load of research pre-buzzing to see what other guys get up to. Answer: crapping their pants in a bizarre, puerile, moronic fashion – that’s what.

It was seeing all the pathetic whinnying online which made Mr. Wapojif cut to the chase and buzz it all off pronto, rather than get bracketed with sad acts who, amongst many other homemade remedies, try rubbing cat piss on their skull to combat the balding – no, we didn’t just make that up. Elsewhere online, we’ve seen men flying into a frenzy and classing their balding as a “disease” and how their lives are essentially over. What the Hell are they on about?!

How to Go Bald

The point of this post is to provide these dudes with a slap around the face – stop being a self-pitying arse and embrace this new stage of your life. If you’re dithering about what to do, have a disastrous comb-over, or think rubbing cat piss into your skull is an option, a load of research has shown society generally thinks a guy with a buzzed head is awesome.

Result? Buy some hair clippers, shave your head, and this is your perfectly simple solution to all the chaos rampaging around in your skull. It really is this simple. It’s about being graceful in the whole procedure and will save you a load of emotional turmoil to boot. What ho, there are fun things you can do, too!

Hat, Hat Me Do

Finally, to add a bit of variety and spice into your day-to-day life, buy some hats to shake things up. Rather than being balding 24/7, 365 days a year, you can don a beanie hat, or a Reni hat, to stride around in public with gusto. You’ll be a stylish man bloke who can offer interesting facts about hats into your life – so don’t freak out, embrace the bald, and enjoy being an individual who isn’t a paranoid freak of nature. Graceful is the way to go.

5 comments

  1. Laffed my guts out!
    However, it’s all fine and well to advise other men about grace, when you look simply marvelous! Not everyone has your good looks. I’m not joking around here!

    • Thank you, madam, although Mr. Wapojif usually considers himself an odd looking creature akin to Mr. McHenry from the Magic Roundabout.

      I think Billy Zane is the best looking bald bloke I know. He’s got a handsome mug. Statham does it very well, too. Plus Bruce Willis and his natural charisma.

      There are two instances here – F1 driver Lewis Hamilton (allegedly) had a hair transplant. He’s a good looking dude and could manage it with aplomb, but footballer Wayne Rooney (well known for being a bit plain) was going bald at 25 and forked out £50k, I think, for the transplant. Very publically, too, but he was being bullied on Twitter about it. But then he does earn £300k a week.

      • Well, I’d allow myself to be bullied on Twitter for £300k a week.
        Now, I know you said that Wayne guy is bald, but that’s not reason to call him a football!

        • Yeah, football, soccer… not sure what Canadians would call it: implemented spherical foot-based interaction. Something like that.

          He’s not a pretty bunny, but he’s rich. So he can get another hair transplant if the latest one spontaneously combusts, or something.

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