Agony Aunt: “Deep sea diving CURED my gossiping addiction!”

A woman with lipstick gossiping in a man's ear
“I hear your wife likes pineapple on pizza…” – “NOOOOO!!!!

If there’s one thing human females love to do, it’s gossip. And they’ll gossip until there’s nothing left to gossip about! But then they’ll just gossip about not gossiping.

Sadly, gossiping can have deleterious results on relationships, your career, and your hair. As such, it’s wise to control the issue. As with today’s human female.

How to Stop Gossiping So Much

Dear Agony Aunt. My husband started nagging me about the amount of gossiping I've been doing lately. He sent me to see a Gossipologist and I was diagnosed with stage four gossipoholism—the very worst possible type of gossiping. He said there was no hope and I should, "Wrap up my affairs and await your doom."

Well, I refused to take that lying down! And so I went and sought a miracle cure, which came in the form of an experimental medication. And it is this! Deep sea diving. 

Yes! Thrice weekly I hire a rubber dinghy and head a mile out off the coast of Blackpool Pleasure Beach. I then indulge in deep sea diving! 

I tend to linger 70 feet below water as, there, I can no longer gossip. If I tried talking I'd drown pretty quickly! Hahaha! And so I just hang about floating. Sometimes I see a fish. Other times one of Blackpool's famous turds will float buy (that's thanks to the Tories pumping untreated human shit into rivers! Gotta love them!). But mainly it's just me, the ocean calm, and no gossiping. 

After three months I've reduced my gossiping from 80 hours per week down to 10 hours per week. I went back to my Gossipologist and told him I was cured! He was sceptical, but when he heard of my remarkable results he dropped to his knees in awe and let out an ear-piercing shriek. Of joy. Or anguish. I'm not really sure which one it was. 

Since then I've established my own organisation called The Gossip on the Sea (a play on streets! Clever, eh?) and myself and fellow gossipoholics meet thrice weekly to gossip wildly on the boat before plunging to depths of up to 200ft! 

I think you should share this vital information with your readers as you can help spread the word, save lives, and STOP gossiping! Yours, Maureen

Dear readers, we were most alarmed by these claims and did some research into the matter. And then we became even more alarmed! Very alarmed indeed.

We’ve seen James Cameron’s The Abyss many times! We know the dangers being underwater can pose. From shark attacks to a minor chill, it’s fraught with peril.

As such, we wrote back to Maureen to clarify an incident that occurred on the morning of 1st November, 2021.

This was covered in local and national newspapers and involved 10 members of her organisation coming down with the bends (decompression sickness/aerobullosis) after returning to the surface rapidly following a dive to 300ft.

The reason provided by Maureen for this speedy return was they, “Didn’t want to be late for work.”

Upon returning to the surface, the members of The Gossip on the Sea went on a bends-induced berserk rampage through the streets of Blackpool.

They pushed over traffic cones. They defecated in the streets. They attacked people with their fists. But worst of all, they gossiped incessantly.

According to newspaper reports, the gossiping became so vociferous the army was called in to restore public order.

Maureen responded with her response about her responsibilities:

Dear Agony Aunt. Thank you for highlighting this incident involving my organisation. You are correct this incident did occur on and about the morning of the 1st November, 2021. 

However, many of the claims in the newspaper report were exaggerated (presumably via artistic license). It is, therefore, a logical fallacy to assume my organisation running riot through Blackpool on that morning led to the army storming the location.

There were at least 100 armed army officials in Blackpool that morning, but I can assure you that was merely a coincidence and had nothing to do with my organisation and its magnanimous pursuits. 

It is regrettable that 10 of my organisation would come down with decompression sickness and that the majority are still confined to decompression units while screaming hysterically. 

I have spoken with my Gossipologist, who is holding a 24/7 support line for them to ensure they don't indulge in gossiping while confined to the decompression units. 

For the minor damage we caused in Blackpool, we have provided a full refund to the local council.

If you would like to make a donation to our worthy cause, please visit our website to help bring an end to gossiping. Yours sincerely, Maureen

Maureen. No, we will not make a donation to your organisation, you silly woman!

Is the real reason you wrote to us with your “problem” so we’d give you free marketing time on Professional Moron and get our readers to send you money?

Readers! Don’t send these charlatans any money! Send it to a worthwhile cause instead, such as Scientology. They need it more than this lot.

Seriously, deep sea diving a cure for gossiping?! We highly doubt your claims of a cure are accurate. Where’s your empirical evidence?

And if it’s been so successful, why is a section of Blackpool town centre trashed after the antics of your organisation? No “cure” should involve wanton destruction of seaside resorts. Don’t be disingenuous!

NB: Since we finished this agony aunt feature, we had a final update on Maureen. Stricken with decompression sickness, she went on a marathon gossiping spree that set a new world record for gossiping. A “cure”, she claims! Be wary, readers. There are many scam artists out there. 

2 comments

  1. As great as this idea seems, there are a few problems. I was talking to Helen about this and she told me that her good friend Maria had taken the plunge. She is now in rehab, learning to gossip again,. Quite sad, really. Did I mention that Vivica up the street s getting a divorce? Oh, there is a lot of talk about Susan, the new local babysitter. Apparently she has boys over while sitting. For crying out loud there could be sex involved. Well, of course I’ll tell you the moment she gets pregnant out of wedlock! OH, did you hear Mr. Wapojif is actually a yellow basketball net backboard?
    You need to come over for tea! So much to gossip about! TA!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Who is this “Helen” you talk of? I know not of these people! And if they’re gossiping then they can at least give deep sea diving a go, non? Or skydiving. Or rugby. Just anything really. Gossiping can be fatal if not controlled!

      As for tea, I’m happy to gossip whenever needed.y gossiping is totally under control I assure you! Ta very much!

      Like

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