Popular music isn’t just for working class scumbags and mediocre middle class people! No, superior rich overlords are just as welcome to listen to sounds.

Indeed! And that’s why we’ve adapted the 20th century’s greatest hit singles so even toffs can enjoy them. Hurrah!

Now That’s What One Calls The Best Hits For Toffs… EVER!

What got us thinking of all this? Dexy’s Midnight Runners and This Is What She’s Like.

“Well, you know, the English upper classes are thick and ignorant.”

That’s true. But we like to cater to every aspect of our readers, even the dumbasses who think poor people just need to work harder. Here we go!

One’s Generation

The Who’s Pete Townshend knew a thing or two about flexing his upper class superiority muscles. Check out the lyrics:

The lower classes attempt to denigrate superiority (postulating, in due course, over one’s generation),
This is, in part, due to our higher status in society (postulating, in due course, over one’s generation),
It is rather ghastly (postulating, in due course, over one’s generation),
One hopes one absconds one’s earthly duties before attaining an age one considers undesirable (postulating, in due course, over one’s generation).

Razor sharp societal insights, eh?

First Class Flight to Heaven

What is all this nonsense about stairways!? What sort of reprobate would use one of those!?

Once adapted for the superior amongst us, Led Zeppelin here has a reminder that it’s best to travel first class wherever you’re headed. Keeps one away from the rabble!

Take On My Butler

A-ha’s smash hit is also iconic for its accompanying video, which for the upper class version is replete with the world’s poshest actor—Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes. Phwoah.

(One Cannot Acquire Any Service) That Achieves One’s Expected Satisfaction Levels

In the Sixties, Mick Jagger was all about fitting neatly into the establishment and towing the upper class line.

As this hit single about not being able to find cucumber for his cucumber sandwiches neatly affirms. Look at these lyrics! Genius!

One cannot acquire any service that achieves one’s expected satisfaction levels,
One cannot acquire any service that achieves one’s expected satisfaction levels,
One does attempt to repossess this ultimation, and one does attempt to repossess this ultimation, and one does attempt to repossess this ultimation,
One’s expected satisfaction levels are not being met, One’s expected satisfaction levels are not being met.

When one was being piloted by one’s chauffeur,
A gentleman began a monologue on the transmission and reception of electromagnetic radio frequency waves device in the aforementioned vehicle,
This individual maintained a monologue of continuous information,
Which one believes to be of the utmost vapid nature,
Its lack of resourcefulness was insipid to behold, resulting in personal ennui.

Is it any wonder The Rolling Stones have sold over 200 million records worldwide!?

All One Wants for Christmas is Several Acres of Land

Mariah Carey may have lost track of reality many decades ago, but that’s purely due to her having worked harder than everyone else.

She’s had the same 24 hours a day like the rest of us! No excuses. Especially when you check out these lyrics:

One does not desire excess pertaining to the Christmas period,
This is down to the necessity of one tangible requirement,
One does not care for presents one would regularly associate with commoners and their ubiquitous Christmas trees,
Instead, one desires a certain amount of land for intimate camaraderie,
This is to the extent one’s familial appropriates likely do not realise,
In due course, please attempt to accommodate the realisation of this dream,
As this Christmas period one’s faculties require the equanimity of the presence involving many additional acres of land.

Whoever said Carey’s lyrics are lowbrow? That right there is worth of an Oxford scholarship, we say!

(Everything One Does) One Does it For Several Acres More Land

Bryan Adams joins the list of upstanding gentleman in the possession of many acres of land. Or the desire for more of it.

Truly, you haven’t seen posh people until you’ve seen them, glass of brandy in handy, discuss profit margins on a giant field they own.

One Will Always Maintain Affections For You

Whitney Houston knew how to tug at the heartstrings with her hit singles. This smash #1 had even the haughtiest of toffs sobbing into their doilies.

One Desires to Dance With an Individual in the Possession of Classically Trained Dance

Whitney Houston again thrashing out this catchy little number!

Dancing is great for the heart and soul. Even super posh people don’t mind indulging in it, thrusting their hips awkwardly to the beat whilst bellowing, “Rather!”

One Has an Inclination For Holding One’s Lower Extremity

The Beatles weren’t shy about ceasing the end part of a human female’s arm, beyond the wrist, that includes the palm, fingers, and thumb.

In later years, John Lennon went on to write about his many acres of land in Strawberry Fields Forever. I say!

And finally…

Rich Kid Kicks

The Undertones had this hit in the ’70s, called Teenage Kicks. It’s an ideal number for rich kids determining their sense of entitlement during all-important formative years.

Look at these lyrics and you’ll see how they become so stuck up:

Are teenage dreams of many acres of land so onerous to vanquish?
On every single occasion this lady ambulates down a stretch of thoroughfare,
It is another potential spouse in the estate,
One duly wishes this individual was already married to oneself, this is due to her physical appearance belonging of above average and desirable extent,
One desires to seize her, desires to seize her with a grip one would classify as unyielding,
But is she upper class? If not, she shall receive rick kid kicks throughout the night.

No wonder it was a hit single with lyrics as catchy as that! Hear, hear!