Mansplaining at Work: The Laws For Expounding Men & Hippos

A businessman explaining something at work
Mansplaining in action.

Under the Mansplaining at Work Act 2022, excessive explaining from human males, in the workplace, is now illegal.

This new Act follows decades of men explaining things to human females at work to the point of annoyance (mansplaining), losing billions of hours of productivity in the name of slaking the human male ego.

The arrival of this new Act means your business must react. Now! Or face the wrath of a billion human females hellbent on making your business suffer.

 Details Regarding the Mansplaining at Work Act 2022

The Act arrives in the wake of sweeping equality rights laws, such as the Flirting in the Workplace Act 1964.

In which flirting at work was deemed dangerous due to the risk of horrifying accidents and/or death.

The Mansplaining at Work Act 2022 advances these concerns as a threat to the nature of humanity. Section 37 (B) on page 3,512 indicates:

“Mansplaining is a problem due to the following reasons:

a) It irritates female employees.

b) Their nagging about it irritates male employees.

c) The collective nagging from male and female employees irritates CEOs and business owners.

d) A toxic work environment is created.

e) This nagging will lead to the collapse of your business and, eventually, society as we know it.

The Mansplaining Apocalypse has, subsequently, been highlighted as a grave concern by leading intellects around the world.

Dr. Brian McGee (IQ 166), from Oxford University, said in his 2020 report The Nature of Mansplaining and the Death of Everyone; ‘Mansplaining is the greatest crisis humans face this century. Climate change is a total piece of piss compared to this mother. Jesus H Christ, it makes me weep myself to sleep. Seriously, I wet myself and everything. My wife is real annoyed about it and nags. To my eternal horror, I find myself mansplaining back to her about why she’s wrong. This is The Mansplaining Apocalypse—it begins insidiously, before rising like a beacon of bemoaning that will smother society and annul our hopes, and fears, for the future in one grumbling swoop.’

Dr. McGee has indicated humanity has less than three million years to control the issue before we all die horribly.

This Act starts with your business. Eradicate all mansplaining forthwith to ensure your working environment is fun, friendly, and free from statements such as, ‘Hey darling, you just have to press that button on the keyboard and it’s sorted, that’s okay you didn’t thank about that, even though it’s your job, I’m on hand to help you, even though it isn’t my job.'”

It’s urgent you implement a business-wide policy to ban mansplaining. This can include:

  • On-the-job training.
  • Professional development.
  • Mentoring to support every department.
  • An aggressive leaflet campaign.
  • Posters bearing the mantra, “Mansplaining Kills”.

Once your workforce is sufficiently trained in avoiding patronising dialogue (this may take several months), you can once again unleash them back into work.

The Existential Threat of the Mansplaining Apocalypse

Exploring Dr. Brian McGee’s theory further, the academic postulates in his 2021 thesis The Nature of Mansplaining and the Death of Everyone:

“Nature, however sagacious, can comorbidly permeate within the ennui of perspicacious, parsimonious pulchritudinous. This is flabbergasting. Seriously, it shits me up a bit whenever I think about it.”

He also clarifies in a chapter pertaining to why mansplaining is the threat that it is:

“Think of The Mansplain as you would a hippopotamus. Let us call him Harry the Hippo.

Harry is a happy hippo. He likes to hang out with his mates in swelling lakes, but he has a penchant for making pointlessly patronising honking to females in his group. He also defecates wildly and eats too much, with problematic issues pertaining to arbitrary outbursts of rage, stampeding, and chomping his massive mouth open and shut.

Harry sees no problem in this, but the females lash back and, after much polemic debate, the hippopotamuses decide to launch The Hippopotamus Equality Act 2020. This is scrawled in mud on the bank of the lake for everyone to check out and comprehend as and when they need to.

Harry thinks that’s all bullshit! One night, while the others sleep, he ambles over to the bank to trudge and defecate all over the Act.

But the next morning, he’s accused of performing this terrible act of vandalism based on several eyewitness accounts. Harry lies and says his best mate, Jeff, is responsible. However, no one believes Harry. As 33 other hippos saw him do it.

Honking furiously, Harry the Hippo tries to mansplain his way out of the situation. But he fails. Again, as it emerges 35 fellow hippos actually saw him do it. Harry has to then admit he did it and apologise. He never overcomes the shame of this embarrassment.

Such is the deleterious nature of mansplaining, hippopotamuses, and honking.”

Dr. McGee’s rambling thesis has been widely dismissed as “madness” by his peers. But it is the true mavericks who truly define society.

Your business should not be like Harry the Hippo.

Remember the story of Harry. Tell your employees about his tale of woe. Take them to your nearest zoo so you can point and laugh at the hippopotamuses.

This teambuilding exercise will help your employees stop all patronising comments and flourish.

You can hit those annual revenue goals!

Then send a business-wide email thanking your employees for their hard work, while handing yourself a $5 million annual bonus.

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