Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I fix my sprained ankle?”

Some feet and ankles covered by socks
Definitely smallpox.

When you’re a hypochondriac you’re never quite sure what’s going on. A mild case of the sniffles can be misconstrued as the horrible scurvy or, worse, a bout of chickenpox!

OR WORSE! What if the sniffles is really SMALLPOX!? Well, that’s why we’re here to help you all out. Dr. Moron is a bloody expert, we tell you!

Although he does have issues with sprained ankles. As you’ll find out today.

Sprained Ankles: The Great Spanish Cure-All

Disclaimer: Ignore our medical advice. We’re idiots and it’s all wrong. 

Dear Doctor Moron. This last weekend I was out hiking but had a nasty fall off a sheer cliff face, plunging 20ft onto jagged rocks. Despite dozens of facial lacerations and a gammy knee, my only other major injuries were severe internal haemorrhaging and a sprained ankle. 

Naturally, as a real man, I refused all medical assistance and returned home to sleep it off. I even planned to get stuck in with a game of rugby the next day with the lads!

Sadly, my sprained ankle has made manoeuvring my manly self beyond my home impossible. It's too much agony and if I try to walk about the pain makes me whimper like a little girl. I've got nothing against little girls, but when you're as manly as me I don't need anyone seeing that. So... what do I do? I need a sprained ankle quick fix! 

Also, my sissy girlfriend said I should get the internal bleeding checked out. And I told her to go and do the dishes. Am I right!? Cheers, Shane

P.S. The internal bleeding was getting real painful, like, so I've been downing whiskey (neat) all day to take the edge off that until the pain clears up by itself. Thoughts?

Hi Shane. First off, if you’re suffering from severe internal haemorrhaging then that’s an indication something is bleeding inside of you.

As it’s inside your body, that makes it proper difficult to see what’s bleeding. We mean, it could be anything: spleen, lungs, bladder, kidneys, pharynx etc. Christ, who knows which of that lot it is?

The whiskey is a temporary fix and will probably do as a numbing agent for now whilst we deal with the real medical emergency—your sprained ankle.

Dr. Moron is a great believer in Wordplay Medicine.

That’s his patented concept of using naff puns and other rudimentary wordplay to alleviate injuries and diseases, including gout.

As such, the diagnosis and cure for this sprained ankle is as follows:

  • It’s a sprained ankle.
  • You’ll need to move to Spain to sort it out.

Why do you think Spain has the least amount of sprained ankles per capita than anywhere else in the world? That’s right—due to a lingering subconscious awareness of knowing you’re in Spain and not wanting a sprain.

Book the first available flight you can to Calcutta, the capital of Spain. Once there you’ll need to:

  • Eat a lot of paella.
  • Definitely avoid any of those bull run things.

If you feel the urge to do manly things, consider procuring a weapon and firing it wildly into the air whilst drinking beer.

We’re not sure if that’s legal in Spain, but you’ve got sod all else to do whilst your sprained ankle heals. That may take up to 12 months, so please ensure you’re currently unemployed before embarking on your Spanish adventure.

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Dispense with some gibberish!

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