Ah, Army of Darkness. Or the Evil Dead 3… whatever you want to call it. A great fun film for times when you want some stupid.

And one of the most iconic moments from the films involves Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) waving his gun around whilst lecturing medieval peasants.

But Ash is a bit of a lovable moron. What if he’d got his words mixed up!? Let’s take a look at all of this.

This is my boomstick!

The original in all its glory. Just as excellent, we think, is the highly insulting, “All right, you primitive screwheads…” preceding the final line. Nicely done, Ash!

This isn’t my boomstick!

Ash is a moron, of course, so maybe he’d forget it’s his boomstick. Just an idea there, but it’s mere conjecture on the reality of the film.

This is my gun!

Presumably, Ash says “boomstick” as he thinks those primitive screwheads wouldn’t understand what a gun is. But his description of the item isn’t going to be of much assistance either, is it?

He might as well have just said, “This is my gun! It’s like a bow and arrow. But it fires these bullet things and it’s much more effective, you know?”

This is my broomstick!

It’s a horror film after all, so this would be an excellent call-back to Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn. Witches! Broomsticks?! Yes. Nice wordplay, Ash.

This is my spume stick!

This would be an excellent way to reference the equally excellent Spume Island, one of the best islands in the world.

Bit of a random inclusion, sure, but then it’s Ash Williams we’re talking about here! He’s as random as they come.

This is my boom mic!

In this ingenious and hilarious bit of wordplay, Ash Williams goes all meta and breaks the fourth wall. Those boom mics are so useful in film, you see.

This is my chopstick!

Does a gun look like some chopsticks? No. No, it does not. Don’t be stupid, Ash.

This is my joystick!

Retro gaming nod here. Back in my day, we had to use a joystick type prod thing to manoeuvre about in video games. Them were the days!

This is my sheep tick!

Going a bit further into random here, but a sheep tick (ixodes ricinus) is a castor bean tick and totally relevant to the Evil Dead franchise! Probably.

This is my Bolshevik!

“Don’t bring your politics into film!!!” whine people who bring politics into their film critique. Yes, well here’s time for a bit of Marxism for no reason.

This is my candlestick!

Ash Williams may not strike you as a man interested in pleasant home décor, but this line proves you wrong!

This is my matchstick!

Ash losing the plot here as he thinks a bunch of medieval peasants would freak out about a lone matchstick. Hey, maybe they would. Those things would have seemed like sorcery in the olden days.

This is my corner kick!

Totally losing the plot now as Ash Williams think he’s in a game of football. What’s the silly sod up to?! They had it back then, Ash, they used pig bladders for the ball.

This is my mental arithmetic!

As fans of the series know, counting isn’t really Ash’s strong point. Anyone relying on his arithmetic is doomed.

This is my monogastric!

Monogastric is an animal with a single-compartmented stomach. Yes, totally relevant to the moment Ash. Well done.

And finally…

This is my hallucinogenic!

Ash does seem to be half out of it a lot of the time, which may explain the need for this quote. Good on you, Williams. Far out, man.