Can’t be arsed doing your washing? Or too poor to afford a washing machine!? Send it to Leslie’s Lazy Laundry Service!
We don’t work hard for a living so you don’t have to either!
And if you think that doesn’t make any sense, you’re just not thinking about it hard enough! But you’re too lazy to do your laundry, so stop thinking and just eat some cheese & onion crisps, dammit!
The Laziest Laundry Service in the Land
“Why bloody bother?” Leslie, CEO of Leslie’s Lazy Laundry Service
That’s our company motto! Why bother indeed? And that’s our transparent ethos. The laundry turns up, we don’t bother doing any of it, and everyone’s happy!
Well, actually, no. Most people aren’t happy about it. Check out some of our awful TrustPilot reviews!
“What the hell? You drop the laundry off and they never do it! You demand your money back and they don’t do it! You get your laundry back off them after MONTHS and it’s in WORSE condition and covered in mould and rats. They have the goddamn temerity to say the rats are ‘free’ and can be kept as pets! BUT I DON’T WANT PET RATS!! Awful service. 0/5. I would give -100 if I could these guys are COWBOYS!”
And there’s also this one from another dissatisfied customer:
“I thought the name was ironic or something, like Hipster humour. But these bastards are just very very lazy. This is joke! Leslie is a cowboy and a piece of lying filth and I want my money back you owe me £50 you charlatans!!!”
Leslie is pursuing slander and libel against that one. “Some things are worth bother about…” she muttered to us.
Yes, Leslie is a woman. A lot of our customers don’t seem to realise this, although she is very sweaty and greasy, wears a gravy-stained vest, and belches constantly.
We guess she just gives off manly vibes.
Anyway, send us your laundry and we won’t do it! Why bother when you can just buy new clothes or something?
Laundries Cult & The Sacrificial Sock
Customers of Leslie’s Lazy Laundry Service should also be aware we’re practitioners of the Laundries Cult.
In this, we preach to the four Gods of Laundry:
- Fabby the Fabric Softener
- Clothes Peg Peggy
- Machine Wash Hot Henry
- Do Not Use Steam Stuart
As practitioners, we meet thrice weekly on the moors of the Peak District to sacrifice at midnight a sock to the Gods of Laundry.
This incredibly violent ceremony is accompanied by much chanting and wailing, before Leslie cleaves a sock in two with a bloody axe. This is under the doctrine of The Book of the Gods of Laundry (written circa 1954):
“Lo, the ceremony of The Sacrificial Sock should move those witnessing it to tears. Sacrifice the sock! Let the (fake) blood splatter everywhere, then apply fabric softener to the sock. After which, preach these words to the heavens:
‘Oh holy crap bags did we just slay the sock! Hear yee, yee hear, oh my golly gosh!’
You are then free to return home to have a spot of tea and a biscuit.”
Our customers must legally be made aware we actively steal your socks for ritual sacrifice.
But as we never wash anything anyway, it’s not like you’re going to miss them or anything. Indeed, this is a far more noble end to meet than further years spent on your disgusting, smelly feet!