There’s a time and a place for Rhododendrons and the workplace. And many would believe it’s neither (as in, they shouldn’t be allowed at any time or place).
Some may argue it’s plant-based cancel culture. But those people are just biased gardeners who’d probably want businesses made out of avocado next.
However, there’s a growing lobby to introduce the shrubs into UK workplaces. We address these concerns in this detailed guide about working hard with a colourful shrubbery right next to you.
Rhododendrons and Employment Laws
Rhododendrons are legislated by The Rhododendrons at Work Act 1974. In section 73 (a) on page 37,201 the Act states:
“Rhododendrons have a long history in workplaces. While aesthetically pleasing to behold, they are also notorious for causing extreme death and destruction.
As such, it is of the utmost importance that you limit these shrubs around your working environment. If it is essential to have one at your business, then ensure it is no more than one.
Two Rhododendrons is, in fact, more dangerous to your workplace than a nearby atom bomb detonation. Heed this warning, societal underlings.”
Heed that warning indeed, employers, for Rhododendrons were responsible for at least 100 fatalities at work between 1,000 BC to the present day.
Keep the Aspidistra Flying? Not on your nelly, George Orwell! As that appalling record is what begs the following most pertinent of questions.
Should Rhododendrons be Illegal at Work?
The obvious answer is, “Yes! They’re an INSULT to capitalism!” However, employment law is a cruel and capricious mistress.
It’s, sadly, too complicated a legal matter to simply make Rhododendrons illegal.
There are those who argue fake plants at work are a much safer bet to take, as The Fake (Plastic & Otherwise) Plants at Work Act 1974 stipulates Rhododendrons aren’t fake and are, therefore, banned in workplaces.
However, The Rhododendrons at Work Act 1974 stipulates that Rhododendrons (whilst dangerous) are still legal to own and install in a working environment.
These confusing laws make it confusing for employers and much confusion has been in place since 1974. However, Sir Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham, the head of The British Rhododendron Society, postulated the arrival of a third Act to relinquish the confusion.
“It is a perfect solution. Introduce The Rhododendron Act 2022 to enforce Rhododendrons in the workplace so that everyone understand they are superb and splendid.”
When asked about what should happen if anyone disagrees with the shrubs in the workplace Sir Twisleton-Wykeham snorted.
“Then they should be led out at dawn and shot by firing squad for acts of sedition!”
Currently, there’s a bill passing through government titled The Murderous Bastard Rhododendron Bill 2022 that seeks to have government install the third Act into legislation from Q4 2022.
The bill is viewed favourably by the present Conservative government, whose ministers all have at least one Rhododendron in their multiple acres of land.
Should The Rhododendron Act 2022 come to fruition, businesses will be forced to install numerous shrubs into their working environments. Even if employees really don’t want them there.
How to Install Rhododendrons Into Your Working Environment
The new Act is said to stipulate at least 12 Rhododendron bushes will need installing in your workplace. To accommodate for this arrival, your business must:
- Hire a landscape gardener and pay them at least minimum wage
- Ensure the shrubs are watered daily
- Ensure employees converse with the Rhododendrons to facilitate their growth
- Slay any employee found disregarding the above rules
The Rhododendrons will also need to receive a wage of at least five figures. Sir Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham is currently lobbying to ensure the basic starting wage for the shrubs is £55,000.
This has caused some public outcry during a major cost of living crisis, which the government is set to totally ignore.
We reached out to Sir Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham for a statement on his bill and Act, to which he had his personal slave respond with:
“Sir Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham does not provide social commentary to the left-wing press, only the gutter press to ensure he can brainwash malleable minds.”
As such, businesses should face the inevitable and prepare for the arrival of Rhododendrons en masse. Whilst this may seem like a terrifying prospect, rest assured… it truly is.
How to Hire a Rhododendron Gardener For Your Workplace
Rhododendrons can grow to be 20ft tall. As such, it’s your duty of care as an employer to hire a gardener to look after the plants.
However, any old gardener just won’t do. It’s no good hiring the retired Gerald, age 88, to give him something to do.
No, there are specific requirements to deal with the death traps that Rhododendrons can well and truly be. These include:
- Must not mind the possibility of a fate worse than death
- Must be at least 6ft tall, but preferably more like 10ft (this is to deal with the shrub’s vast height)
- Must not be allergic to Rhododendrons
- Must enjoy gardening
It’s preferable the gardener be male and called Gerald, for this is the traditional name of a gardener. Conservative workplaces will want to stick to such traditions.
But if you’re a progressive environment, you may want to hire a former axe-wielding maniac fresh out of prison or something. That’s how liberals roll, isn’t it?!
Whatever, Rhododendrons are here to stay and Sir Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham will ensure you pay the price if you DARE to defy him!