Agony Aunt: “Why’s my husband hired a bodyguard to protect me?”

Do brooding bodyguards save marriages

Some human males are incredibly protective of their human females. And if they lack the physical presence to defend their broad, they’ll turn to alternative methods.

Such as today’s specimen, who’s manly enough to fork out (from his own wallet) for a bodyguard to defend his human female. But, she isn’t happy about it. Women, eh?

When a Bodyguard Just Won’t Do

Dear agony aunt. My husband (Karl) and I have been married for three years now, but recently he's got a little protective of me. In fact, he's hired a bodyguard who accompanies us 24/7. Everywhere. No matter what we're doing. 

The bodyguard is always dressed in black, with shades, and never says a word unless he thinks we're in trouble. Things like:

- "It's time to go."
- "Come with me if you want to live!"
- "MOVE! MOVE!! MOVE!!!"
- "That's classified."

That kind of thing. And on several occasions he's thrown himself in front of us after a loud bang, believing someone to be firing guns at us. But it's usually just a car backfiring.

Also, and this is really creepy, when we go to bed the bodyguard trains a laser guided sniper rifle at our bedroom all night while keeping watching. I mean... we're trying to get pregnant at the moment. What spoils the romantic mood is knowing that bodyguard with his psychotic steely gaze is watching our every move. And the other night he thought we were under attack from communists and started roaring into the walkie talkie, "Communists! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!! MOVEEE!!!" Me and Karl had to run for our lives naked into the street, into the car, and we floored it to my mother's house and hid in her basement. 

The bodyguard gave the all clear next morning but didn't explain whether there were any communists or not. I ask him questions about these things and he always responds with, "Ma'am, that's classified."

I keep questioning him and he just stands there, stoic. And he goes, "Ma'am." And that seems to be the end of the conversation. 

I've asked my husband to end the bodyguard service but he just said, "Babe, it's cool, he's here to protect you. Also, he's on a twelve month contract, which was with a thirty percent discount. And I can't cancel that, so just chill, babe, he's here to protect you, sweetie."

I find my husband's attitude pretty condescending, to be honest, and with all that mingled with the bodyguard grunting "That's classified!" and suddenly throwing himself in front of me at work, at the supermarket, at the cinema, at the hairdresser... I've got 11 months of this! What should I do? Thank you, Georgie

Hi Georgie! Your husband is simply doing what he thinks is best, like those guys who say, “You’d be prettier if you smiled!

Seeing as there’s a 12 month mandatory contract with no cancellation options, you’re pretty much stuck with that one.

If you want to get vindictive about things, you could hire a bodyguard to protect your husband. Make sure this one is a woman with misandrist views. There’s actually a business for this called Misandrist Bodyguards: Putting Men in their Place (while protecting them). You should give them a call.

Sweet revenge, you know? You’ll annoy your husband 24/7.

He can’t go to the toilet in peace, which is a favourite male pastime. Why? As the bodyguard will have a sniper rifle trained on him!

Failing that, and you never know, the two bodyguards might hit it off and start their own relationship. That’d be a nice outcome, huh?

You could suggest some names for babies for them. Things like:

  • That’s Classified
  • Move! Move!! Move!!!
  • Stoic Indifference
  • Ma’am

Anyway, we seem to be wistfully pontificating over a romantic bodyguard world.

As for your situation, Georgie, do what you think is best. And do so wearing a nice vest (sorry, we can’t think of proper advice so decided to end with a rhyme).


Dispense with some gibberish!

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