In the 1990s, no boyband was more popular (or malodorous) than BOZone. It’s like that famous saying—saved by the smell.
The band had massive hits such as a moving cover of Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit, plus others like I Will Always Stink Bad, My Stench Will Go On, and I Just Called to Say I Smell Bad. All were included on the platinum seller smash hit album No Stinks Attached (1995).
Today we’re celebrating this great band’s reeking legacy, so that BOZone’s many female fans my scream hysterically one final time.
BOZone’s Body Odour Issues
Formed in London in 1994, the band’s members were compiled of the most boy band bland hunks available. Alongside that, they needed to smell really bad.
Those attending auditions hadn’t washed in weeks prior to attending. The five members became:
- Shane Stench: Often voted by fans as the best singer of the group, Shane was struck down early by male pattern balding and left BOZone in 1996.
- Effluvium Whiff: Often voted the prettiest member of the group, Effluvium would also often play the trombone on stage to further add to the musical bliss.
- Miasma Redolence: Often voted the least popular member of the group, this was a state of affairs Miasma came to thoroughly resent. It’d often make Miasma moody and unapproachable, further adding to his unpopularity.
- Ronan Aroma: Often voted the most boy band like member of the group, Ronan’s crooning and warbling matched his putrescent stench.
- Fragrance McGee: Often voted the most fragrant member of the group, Fragrance was also a convicted shop lifter as a younger man. He rebounded in style to be come a boy band member and heroin addict.
The band wasted no time stopping bathing and began work on No Stinks Attached.
But the production for this album proved to be far more troublesome than any human being ever expected to occur.
No Stinks Attached’s Troublesome Production
Due to the impossible pong of BOZone, most music producers couldn’t work with them. That was until Brian “The Bastard” Bethlehem, the world’s most insane music producer and manager.
Decked out in a full hazmat suit, he delightedly began work on No Stinks Attached.
However, problems immediately arose in the studio as the equipment began failing due to how bad the smell constantly was.
Ronan Aroma lit incense sticks to take the edge off things, but that led to a full studio inferno and the entire building burned to the ground.
Undeterred, the group battled on and recorded all 15 tracks in just six months of long, arduous, putrid hard work. Of the process, Brian “The Bastard” Bethlehem told the BBC in early 1995 the following.
“Working with the lads was good fun. They were young and naïve, so I ran rings around the stupid pricks and made them all out to be incompetent wankers. Which they, indeed, remain to be.
That meant I swindled them out of eighty per cent of album proceeds, which to this day go directly to me. It really pisses them off and they hate my guts.”
Mr. Bethlehem proceeded to laugh hysterically at the end of that sentence.
Undeterred, once again, BOZone lapped up the plaudits once the press reviews for the album arrived. However, prior to a major press conference in London all members came down with a bout of conjunctivitis due to their lack of cleanliness.
Instead of turning up at the London venue, they ended up in Dover and got on a boat to Calais, France. The band later apologised for the misunderstanding.
Launch and World Tour
Alongside the incredible reviews, BOZone launched a worldwide tour to celebrate their newfound success.
Unfortunately, various international laws restricted the band’s foul-smelling movement.
As such, the group largely played in particularly smelly regions of England where BO is acceptable and even encouraged. Places like Bolton of Greater Manchester.
Their first major sell out gig was in Bolton, where they decided to journey to in limousine. Unfortunately, due to ongoing conjunctivitis due to their lack of washing habits, the lads once again ended up in Dover, on a boat, and in Calais.
Angry concertgoers were left to storm the stage and burn the venue to the ground in outrage.
BOZone later apologised for the misunderstanding.
However, as the same misunderstanding subsequently occurred over the course of the band’s first 17 intended tour dates, the band’s manager, Brian “The Bastard” Bethlehem once again, decided to host all future gigs in Calais. He explained to the BBC the following.
“We’re not quite sure how it keeps happening, but they always end up in Calais, which is in France, or something. I mean, they don’t have many fans over there yet. But still, they end up there and then throw a gig no one attends. It isn’t good for business, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.”
Due to BOZone’s ongoing stench and inability to ever attend a gig other than at one venue, the band eventually split in 1999 to focus on “personal projects”. These included:
- Using shampoo and conditioner
- Suing Brian “The Bastard” Bethlehem
Brian “The Bastard” Bethlehem said in a 2020 interview with the BBC.
“No regrets, me. I loved those lads like they were my sons. Of course, I don’t ever want kids because they annoying the bloody hell out of me. But if I did have kids, the lads would have been my kids.
Of course, I have nothing to do with them now because they’re like into their 50s and that and I don’t give a toss about them. But thanks to those lads, I got to see Calais. They showed me the world. I screwed them over with a insanely restrictive contract that swindles them to this day.”
We approached the members of BOZone for a comment, to which all of them responded with a curt, “No comment.”
The stench from this alone was enough to cause the total collapse of the Professional Moron office roof. Although that was maybe due to the recent rat infestation.