Camouflage at work is a contentious issue for most employers like yourself. It determines the visibility of your members of staff, thusly determining how closely you can micromanage them.
It’s scientifically proven that camouflaged employees are less productive; they shirk their duties and lark about.
As such, it’s essential for your business to cut down on this tomfoolery with crystal clear rules on the punishment measures meted out on camouflaging employees.
Explained: The Nature of Camouflage and the Workplace
Camouflage at work is legislated by The Camouflage at Work Act 1974.
As it relates to a business’ dress code, it complements the, respective, Acts under slippers at work and flip-flops at work.
There are many reasons employees may want to wear camouflage at work. The most common is to blend into the background so they can avoid detection and, thusly, skip boring meetings. Other reasons are to:
- Covertly “take out” (i.e. slay) annoying colleagues
- Steal colleagues’ lunches from the kitchen refrigerator
- Use the toilet at work without anxiety and/or terror
- Steal private company information to sell on to rivals
- Obviate daily duties in general (e.g. speaking to colleagues)
All of the above are a cardinal sin in the business world. For example, it’s strictly forbidden for one employee to slay another employee.
This is due to such an act constituting insubordination.
Camouflage is a deadly instigator of such antics. Some businesses have been known to lose entire workforces to stealthy camouflaged employee assassins gradually wiping out colleagues one by one (like in that film Predator).
If you value your business and want your grossly inflated bonus come the end of the year, it’s good business practice to ensure you can see all of your employees at every given koment.
How to Control Camouflaging at Work
In your business’ dress code, you should make it clear camouflaging isn’t acceptable. This can read as simple as this.
“Camouflaging in the workplace is not acceptable.”
However, you can elaborate on your mission statement if you so wish. Some employers take the matter so seriously entire ebooks are written, covering hundreds of pages, to detail why being indistinct in the working environment isn’t acceptable.
One of the problems here, even with a really, really well written policy is, in most instances, if an employee turns up at work camouflaged you won’t be able to tell.
In other words, they can flout your rules and, typically, go unpunished.
This can be infuriating for employers, especially if the entire workforce decides to flout your rules and take the piss a bit by turning up in full body camouflage.
To address such an eventuality, you should:
- Hire military trained experts to track your premises in pursuit of rule breakers
- Get professional development training on seeing through camouflage (this takes two weeks)
Once you’ve completed your training, you’ll be able to spot even the most well concealed employee with ease. You can then either:
- Instantly dismiss them
- Demote them
- Give them a pay cut
- Punch them in the face
Needless to say, once it’s apparent to your workforce you’re a superpowered megalomaniac capable of seeing through concealment techniques you’ll render them all terrified.
As such, this should result in a cessation on invisible employees.
How to Control High Employee Turnover Due to the Fallout of Post-Camouflage Reveal
One downside to your newfound abilities is employees, in a state of panic and terror, will likely quit en masse.
With no staff members, your business may struggle to operate.
As such, you should seek to balance the need to stop troublesome staff members larking about in obscurity, all while attempting to maintain some semblance of respect for privacy amongst the rest of the workforce.
And the best way to achieve this goal is to construct a killer laser defence corridor at the front entrance of the property. This way, employees will need to:
- Present themselves at the entrance visibly to be allowed through the relative safety of a side-door
- In camouflage, attempt to navigate the killer laser corridor with lasers that’d decapitate even a steel beam
Of course, there’s no stopping the camouflaged employee from just walking safely through the side-door.
You’d just have to stipulate clearly in your handbook that is ONLY for non-camouflaged employees. Thusly, you’ll need to rely on the integrity of each employee to choose the right route into your premises.
To be clear, lasers in the workplace are documented by The Lasers in the Workplace Act 1974. In section 46 (a) on page 3,245 it states the following.
“Whether your employees are looking to jive it down in the disco era or you want to decapitate everyone seemingly at will, then lasers in the workplace are a welcome and vibrant addition to any office environment.”
With the above in mind, your business is now all set to embrace camouflage, non-camouflage, disco dancing, and the searing agony of laser beam death rays.
This was so informative! I knew these ne’er do wells shirked their duties, but ~ larking about as well? Reprehensible!
… Where did you say we can pick up these full-body camouflage kits, again, now?…
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Your best bet is to smear yourself in mud and hope for the best. Usually does the trick. Plus, a free mud bath.
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What if the employees say that they are in camouflage to avoid the great white sharks at work?
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Instant dismissal for that one, I’m afraid. Discrimination against great white sharks.