Most lighthouse services are highly effective for boats, sailors, and maritime enthusiasts. However, others are just out to do no good.
In fact, some are pure evil (tangent: although not as evil as aliens wishing to sightsee ducks).
Enter Evil Mr. Duck’s Quacking Lighthouse! Established in 1891, it’s the world’s ONLY lighthouse operated by a clinically insane duck. And he’s out to do no good. Quacking hell!
The Story of Evil Mr. Duck’s Lighthouse Service Works
Evil Mr. Duck (a mallard) always wanted to run a lighthouse. Ever since he was a nipper growing up on a pond in Bolton of Greater Manchester.
After receiving nothing but shite heavily processed white bread from duck feeders, Evil Mr. Duck became bitter, twisted, and positively psychotic. He vowed to take vengeance on the humans and grew immensely jealous of any ducks receiving brown (or rye) bread.
In his formative years, Evil Mr. Duck received a handsome inheritance from a goose and hatched his diabolical plan—to build a lighthouse on the coast of Blackpool, Lancashire, and lure sailors to their doom! MWAHAHAHAHAAH!
At least, Evil Mr. Duck wanted to do an evil laugh. But, alas, he was a duck. As such, it wasn’t a “proper” evil laugh, for it was done in the style of a duck.
Regardless, using his handsome inheritance the duck constructed the lighthouse near to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and named his business Evil Mr. Duck’s Quacking Lighthouse. Over the years, it led to:
- Several canoeists getting lost.
- The capsizing of several dinghies.
- 14 rowboats being consumed by the tide.
- 16 motorboats slamming into Blackpool pier.
- 100s of tankers slamming into rocks and plunging into the murky depths.
- 2,000 motorboats becoming disorientated and flipping over in a spectacular ball of flames.
- Three dozen submarines slamming into the beach in confusion.
- A few women posing for selfies doing that duck lips thing seeing some ships suddenly exploding in a ball of flames.
- 37,000 estimated deaths.
The original Evil Mr. Duck joined Duck Heaven in 1901.
But ever since, a new psychotic duck has been in place to try and get as many boats smashed up on the shores of Blackpool as possible. It’s a much-beloved local tradition, despite the tragedy and trauma it’s responsible for.
How Evil Mr. Duck’s Lighthouse Service Works
Well, it’s a lighthouse service. You know how it works! The Evil Mr. Duck of any given generation lives in the lighthouse. And the company motto is:
The duck ambles about, while quacking, and intermittently allows for the beacon of light to screw up maritime practices. Much disastrous carnage and mayhem ensues. That’s it.
And why would any local government allow such a disastrous practice to continue for over 100 years? As locals find Evil Mr. Duck cute!
And he is. The duck may be responsible for 37,000 deaths since 1891, but when anyone sees him quack and waddle about it’d be a sadistic SOB that didn’t swoon over the lovable rogue.