Hordes of demented aliens have been flooding Earth to sightsee ducks.

In August 2022 alone it was reported some 470,000 alien beings gathered by a lake in Bolton of Greater Manchester to observe ducks quacking and larking about on the open water.

This concerning development has, naturally, led to a surge in alien abduction reports as aliens began abducting ducks and humans in one giant abduction frenzy. We have all the details about these horrifying occurrences.

The Alien Abductees: A Mixture of Ducks (mainly mallards) and numerous humans

Mr. Jeremy Mellows (93) begins each morning in Bolton with a walk by his local lake, followed by 17 pints of John Smiths at the local old man pub.

However, the morning of 3rd August 2022 was much different.

“I were walking by the lake expecting to see the usual disused condoms and occasional floating corpse, but instead there were like hundreds of these bright coloured aliens all faffing about by the lake causing a ruckus and trying to get at the ducks.”

Mr. Mellows said he confronted the diminutive aliens and warned them he’d report them to the police for anti-social behaviour.

The aliens became quite agitated by this development, quacking like ducks and flapping their arms about the place.

“One of them spoke English, but in a bad kind of way. He said, ‘You owe me thruppence, me old mucker!’ I challenged him and said I did not owe him any money at all. He looked bemused about that and backed off.”

The aliens eventually countered Mr. Mellows by abducting him and the 37 ducks in the vicinity, zapping them all up into their spaceship. Mr. Mellows was returned to Earth 17 hours later due to being “not enough like a duck”, whereas the 37 ducks are still unaccounted for.

Following on from this, some 20,000 aliens beings ruined the Manchester duck race event.

Then, later in August, a documented 37,000 brightly coloured aliens gathered by a lake in Rochdale of Lancashire apparently birdwatching the four ducks swimming on the open water.

The aliens were so numerous they were spilling back onto motorways and into residential areas whilst attempting to get sight of the ducks.

When questioned by local police out on patrol, the aliens became hysterical—quacking, flapping their arms around and demanding “thruppence” over and over. The police observed it would be best to leave them be, lest they went on an all-conquering rampage.

However, matters came to a head when 575,000 brightly coloured and diminutive aliens gathered in the Lake District. The horde rapidly became overexcited and began chasing ducks left, right, and centre.

This led to clogging of popular resorts, many ducks in unrest, and a large scale public nuisance matter at hand.

The British government called it a national emergency, forcing the country into martial law and total lockdown. With citizens quaking (as opposed to quacking) indoors, the army moved in to restore order.

However, the aliens turned out to possess ultra-powerful super bazookas.

One shot had the equivalent power of 137 indoor sparklers. Whilst that might not seem like much, when faced with 575,000 of the things the famed British reserve went out the window. Army officials were seen fleeing en masse whilst crying out for their mothers.

Type of Aliens

Small and brightly coloured, the aliens are fond of ducks. Otherwise, it’s unclear what their motives are. They just seem to want to birdwatch ducks.

As part of a field test, Professional Moron journeyed out to the Lake District. Whilst there, we ran into the English speaking alien. We took the yellow beast to one side for questioning. However, he always responded with the following.

‘You owe me thruppence, me old mucker!’

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, had a moment of genius and handed the alien three pence. After this development, the alien looked pleased. Then he said this.

‘You owe me thruppence, me old mucker!’

We repeated this endeavour multiple times over until the alien had acquired a fiscal arrangement of some 21p.

At that point the alien wandered off looking self-satisfied and began trying to haggle with nearby ducks. The mysteries of the Universe are many and baffling.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Unknown. It’s believed there are two actions at hand worth taking:

1. Annihilate the aliens by smothering them with many pigeons.
2. Leave them to birdwatch in peace and quiet.

However, as the aliens tend to get overexcited and rampage in their tens of thousands, the second option may offer the potential for the end of the British species.

Alien Abduction Experience

The ducks certainly don’t like it. Nor did 93 year old Mr. Mellows. But we must add the aliens only start abducting stuff when hassled.

If left alone, they merely birdwatch in overexcitable fashion.

Again, some suggest it would be wise to leave the aliens be. The counterargument being such submissive attitudes could lead to a mass proliferation of birdwatching.

And that would be annoying.

As such, British citizens have been encouraged by the Royal Navy to “shoo” at aliens birdwatching in order to get them to clear off back home.

Whether this works or not is anyone’s guess. But it’s better than the present state of affairs.

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Although pesky and weird, this species of aliens seems benevolent when compared to those species sporting planet annihilating weaponry.

They like ducks and small amounts of loose change.

Who are we to say these aliens are, indeed, “bad”? Have they done any harm to the ducks? Have they done any harm to us?

We suggest it’s wise to treat our alien visitors with the respect they deserve.

That’s unless they start asking for tenners, at which point we’re in a totally different sort of situation. One involving fisticuffs and much British outrage!