Agony Aunt: “How do I STOP doing duck lips photo poses!?”

A woman posing and doing duck lips
DUCK LIPS! AHH!!! SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!

Human females are prone to posing for selfies doing what is known as the “duck lips” pose. As in, excessively pouted lips like they’re on a model shoot or something.

Traditionally, what is known as a “smile” is more appropriate. Grimacing and gesticulations of violence are also suitable.

Duck lips are not! And today’s human female agrees, which is why she’s trying to call an end to her hopeless addiction.

The Curse of the Duck Lips

Dear agony aunt. I'm writing to you after crying myself to sleep last night. Yesterday I took 334 selfies. ALL of them with duck lips poses!

I realised I'm an addict. AN ADDICT! And it's ruining my life!

On all my online dating profiles, I realised I've been doing duck lips on EVERY picture! And guys kept going, "Sup duck lips?!" in there first messages. And I thought they were paying me a compliment! A COMPLIMENT!

I want to overcome the shame of all this. THE SHAME OF IT!

So I'm writing to you for help. It's such a natural reaction for me now. I go to take a selfie. I do the duck lips pose. It's instinctive! Like I was BORN to duck lip. BORN TO DO IT!

Help me out! HELP ME OUT! It's destroying my life! Guys mock me online, guys mock me offline, guys mock me on and offline! Jezebel

Hi, Jezebel. First up, can you please stop doing that thing where you write your problem and then confirm it further in capitals. It’s really irritating.

Also, this kind of reminds us of that human female who was dating herself. You’re both tottering over the verge of extreme annoyance and just need reeling back in again with a giant fishing rod.

So, we can understand you concerns on this matter.

Duck lips posing may be a sign of spasmodic facial tics, which is usually brought about by demonic possession and/or witchcraft.

Have you ever been cursed by an occult practice at all? Worth having a deep dive into your family history to see if any ancestors were burnt at the stake etc.

How to Control Duck Lips

Along with the standard exorcism, you’ll need to spend at least a week in your nearest marshy wetland observing crows and their flight patterns.

This should bring a poltergeist to your home some days later, who’ll talk you through the art of correct selfie taking and posing.

Most female poltergeists are banished to their form for failing to pose properly for photos, so must spend the rest of eternity helping out poor wastrels such as yourself.

After the various lessons with the unspeakable vile monstrosity, you should be so terrified shitless you’ll barely be able to grin in a picture again.

Whilst you’ll gain a reputation as being dour, and all that, at least it’ll add some enigma to your persona.

Rather than just remaining a duck-based annoyance that makes your average geezer wince. We trust this is of assistance to you, Jezebel.

2 comments

  1. Hmm, I like ducks.
    Perhaps it would be easier for Jezebel to become a duck, than to break this habitat.
    If she insists on continuing this duck bill mouth thing, I strongly suggest Botox.
    Then, when she duck bills, nothing!

    Liked by 1 person

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