EMERGENCY! Have you seen this Fried Egg!? If so, we need your help! The sanctity and national security of Great Britain depends upon YOUR actions!
WANTED: Fried Egg With Awful Puns
Bounty hunters across the land JOIN FORCES in pursuit of the greatest known enemy of the state—a lone fried egg that goes by the name of Fried Egg.
This wretched sinner is notorious for some of the most appalling crimes in recent history. Including, but not limited to:
- Cracking terrible egg puns (including, “What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan? It scrambled!“).
- Sticking to the frying pan while being fried.
- Raising cholesterol.
- Repeatedly singing that annoying Humpty Dumpty song (while smugly noting there’s no mention of an egg in the nursery rhyme).
- Plotting to “eggsterminate” humanity.
Fried Egg was last seen in the province of Leicestershire, whereupon it was observed repeatedly battering on a local farmer’s door before commanding him to show him his free range and organic eggs.
The farmer refused this request.
In the aftermath of this refusal, Fried Egg bungled the aforementioned farmer into the boot of its hired vehicle and disappeared off into hiding. It’s believed Fried Egg has at least 30 farmers stored (a term known as “kidnapping”).
For the good of localised produce, it’s a priority witnesses come forward to provide information to the police of the whereabouts of Fried Egg. Failing any knowledge, you are encouraged to take matters into your own hands.
Off With its Yolk!
Citizens are advised to lock and load with whatever weapons you have available to you. That includes, but isn’t limited to:
- Egg whisks.
- Stainless steel electric egg boiler poacher & steamers all-in-one.
- Egg cups.
- Vacuum cleaners (hoovers).
- Nuclear waste.
- General belligerence (argy-bargy).
- Foul language.
Acquire at least two of the above and rush forth into the street with a belligerent vendetta to pursue. Your mission? Destroy all fried eggs!
Fried Egg is largely indiscernible from other fried eggs (other than being six feet tall, having legs, and owning the capacity to talk), so it’s advised you rush to local greasy spoon cafes and smash them up a bit.
Be warned—Fried Egg is the most dangerous fried egg on Earth.
There’s no telling what this SOB is capable of, not least the kidnapping of over 30 precious farmers and their cargo of produce (including free range eggs). By order of The King:
“Show no mercy to that absolute bastard!”
Slaughter! Kill! Destroy! Whomever brings Fried Egg’s yolk on a slice of white bread with marmalade will receive a hearty sum of £10,000! Enough in present-day England to rent a one-bedroom flat for a month!
Such spoils await the brave soul whom dares fight for King and Country!