Any given working environment has employees of varying sizes. From tall to not so tall, it’s a variative smörgåsbord of height-based diversity.

However, really tall employees pose an imposing problem.

As such, this in-depth business guide covers everything you need to know about dealing with tall bastards in your workplace.

Employment Laws Regarding Tall People at Work and the Effects of Tallness

Height-based issues in the working environment are legislated by The Tall People at Work Act 1974. In section 45 (a) on page 3,456 it states:

“Tallness at work is not a point of discussion, except for this 13,000 page Act. Refer to this Act for all notes on tallness. Principally, remember tall people in work can complete a job (in most instances) as well as less tall people. They will merely do so whilst being tall.

Accommodate for tall people at work with welcoming office banter. This can include comments such as, ‘How’s the weather up there?’ Do note, comments as, ‘Get out of my way, you tall bastard!’ would be the wrong approach to tallness at work.

Antagonism towards tall people at work can result in a toxic working environment, so it is good business practice to ensure your taller employees feel welcome at work without fear of banging their heads on low hanging ceilings.”

Ensure you have a business premises accommodating for tall employees.

Ensure doorways and ceilings are at least six feet in height, allowing for staff to pass through them without smashing their skull violently on your premises. Failure to do so could result in:

• Relentless concussions for taller employees.
• Blood and brain splatter on company property.

If your tall employees are off work recovering from concussions, this can result in productivity dips. Additionally, cleaning away the blood off your ceilings and doorways can result in significant budget losses. This is bad for business.

Case Study: John from Accounts (6’8″)

To highlight the dilemma your business faces with tall freaks of nature strutting about in office environments, here’s the case study of John from Accounts.

This resulted in the employment tribunal John from Accounts vs Andrew’s Awesome Accounting Agency Ltd. in 1994. The accountant John was 6’8″ in 1994 the day he began life as an accountant for Andrew’s Awesome Accounting Agency Ltd.

After three days in the job, at a location with low hanging ceilings, John from Accounts had banged his head 17 times and was suffering from concussion. Colleagues noted he began behaving erratically, such as arriving on his fourth day of work with a chainsaw.

John from Accounts proceeded to hack at the low hanging ceilings until much debris and rubble gathered on the office floors.

Andrew’s Awesome Accounting Agency Ltd. CEO Andrew argued with John from Accounts over the nature of his behaviour and how, in his opinion, a chainsaw is not a suitable object for the workplace.

However, under The Chainsaws at Work Act 1974 the accounting agency was proven very wrong. As the Act stipulates chainsaws are suitable for the working environment.

Thus, John from Accounts claimed for breach of his employment rights and won a settlement of £155 million.

This put Andrew’s Awesome Accounting Agency Ltd. out of business and stands as a stark reminder of the effects of tallness at work (and the respect businesses must ensure tall people get, because £155 million is quite a lot of money).

How to Accommodate for Short Man Syndrome at Work

It’s also good business practice for businesses to accommodate for short men at work (and the psychological strain they may feel near taller colleagues).

Short man syndrome in the working environment is legislated under The Short Man Syndrome at Work Act 1974. In section 43 (b) on page 14,521 it states:

“Short men at work can often be found seething inwardly in their office cubicles, sometimes plotting to overthrow society with devious plans (such as getting high heels banned).

You should tolerate these machinations with good cheer and cool aplomb, offering your short man bloke employees with free cheese sandwiches on Tuesdays. The protein kick will slake their pent up desires for world domination.”

As such, you should ensure your shorter (male) employees receive as many free cheese sandwiches as possible. This is good business practice, but also an essential contribution to the ongoing safety of the public.

Without those sandwiches, short men will attempt to overthrow law and order. This could result in nationwide rioting and the collapse of civilisation. Do note, that would be bad for business.

Refer to The Cheese Sandwiches at Work Act 1974 for legislation on this matter.

Addendum: Reasonable Adjustments for Tall People at Work

Under The Tall People at Work Act 1974 tall employees can request “reasonable” adjustments to accommodate for their height.

Those over 6’8″ can speak to the CEO directly for adjustments. These requests can include, but aren’t limited to:

1. Bulldozing the entire business premises down to start again with taller ceilings within the new design.
2. Printing special badges for tall people to wear to make them feel special.
3. Maintaining “Point and Laugh” days where tall people can mock normal sized people for their generic standard setting.

Do note, it’s not mandatory for a business to introduce such requests. However, failure to consider them may result in what is known as “Tall Person Rage” (TPR). This terrifying psychological breakdown can result in the tall person effectively razing your business premises in a fit of outrage.

However, some business owners consider this an acceptable development as it saves on the budget required for #1—forking out for bulldozers.