The human male out in the wild is a magnificent beast to behold. Proud, tall, and true he’s a bastion of all that is pure and good about humanity.

Sadly, that status does mean he or she feels the need to “rearrange” himself in full public view of everyone else. By which we mean fumble at his crotch (a bit like manspreading, but more gobsmacking).

What must one do to address such gross behaviour? Let us explore this topic in much gobsmacked fashion.

The Human Male’s Arrangement Problems With the Trouser Department (crotch)

Hi there agony aunt. I'm not married. I'm not in a relationship. I don't want to be, either, I'm happy being single! My name? You may call be Laura.

Why am I writing in, you might ask, when my life is clearly perfect?

Well, I've got a problem with MEN. Not as an entirety, that is, just some of their behaviour. It's to do with their habit of, shall we say, "rearranging" themselves in public in full view of everybody around them.

It's common for them to come out of a male toilet some way and be groping at themselves like they've got some sort of interminable itch in their trouser department. 

My reasons for having a problem with this are as follows:

- It's gross! Why do we need to see that? Just do it 30 seconds earlier without the world watching your perverted antics!

- The disrespect is off the charts! And if you disrespect me and my brethren, you will face the consequences, bro!

- Like, hygiene anyone? Bacteria? You're grabbing that and going around shaking hands with people and picking your nose, too. This is off the charts gross!

What I want to champion is a discreet approach to this. To the men reading this, I know right now you'll be seething inwardly. You'll have already written a 500 word ranting rebuttal blaming feminism for everything wrong with the world and why it ruined the most recent Star Wars films etc. You'll probably be there right now, on the manosphere, claiming you're oppressed and this is why we need meninism to protect your right to rearrange your crotch as and when you need to. Even if it's in public view of everyone.

I approached an older man about this last week after I'd seen him grabbing at himself while leaving a public lavatory. 

His expression, when quizzed, displayed a range of emotions: fury, outrage, belittlement, world-weary disdain, and finally avuncular patronisation. To whit he said to me, after careful consideration:

"Young lady, whether it's at a wedding, funeral, job interview, or you're being arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct, the crotch rearrange is man's right, even as he's bundled off into a police car to a jail cell for the night, to feel comfortable in society. Can you imagine a world full of men feeling uncomfortable as they go about their duties, by which I mean saving society and propelling economies forward? You, my fair maiden, would no longer be able to purchase blouses for thineself. Instead, you'd be living in a communist Gulag before the year is out as The Left take over society. That most basic right MUST remain to ensure the feminists don't destroy our lives to the truest extent. That, madam, is why I just had to rearrange my crotch right now. As the owner of a business owner and, therefore, a superior proponent of society to the lazy riffraff, if I don't feel comfortable then my business fails, jobs are lost, and people starve on the streets. The next time you feel the need to criticise my decisions, keep in mind whether you wish your husband to purchase you a nice new blouse! Good day, madam."

To which he then flounced off with a smug grin on his stupid, bloated, boomer face.

Should I hire a hitman to have him taken out? Thanks, Laura

Hi there, Laura! We refer you to this quote from René Descartes in Discourse on Method:

“Common sense is the best distributed thing in the world, for everyone thinks he is so well-endowed with it that even those who are hardest to satisfy in all other matters are not in the habit of desiring more of it than they already have.”

We think the main focus of that insight is “well-endowed”. Here you can refer to our guide for men with small packages (i.e. wieners) and (be mature at the back, no sniggering!) how man blokes will often be pompous to accommodate for their insecurities elsewhere.

However, as for this “rearranging” issue as a wider whole…

Hiring a hitman is, arguably, a little extreme. We think this is a situation where an aggressive leaflet campaign may work wonders. As you can see from the geezer above, they’re super receptive to constructive criticism and will be charming and gentlemanly in their candour. All the best, Laura!