Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend keeps manspreading!”

The problem with manspreading
A man, manspreading.

For many women, manspreading is the bane of existence. What is it? It’s as follows: a man sitting, usually on public transport, with his legs wide agape so his package is able to air appropriately. It’s a disgusting sight, a sexist sight, and many have taken to shaming men by taking pictures of the offenders and posting them online. Good! But… what if your significant other is a manspreader?!

Manspreading

Dear Professional Moron - I am appealing to you as a woman taken to the very depths of putrescence; cordially, I am aware of the kurtosis in perilous display by the boyfriend whence I have pertained to become accustomed to. Apologies, I must comport myself in copious array with the diffident nature of this man, for his precocity and hubris is a folly not just of mine, but yours, and others, and womanhood; had I not been so attracted to his mellifluous baritones beforehand I would have realised my meliorism is specious when accosted by the ghastly visage of a man in full spread upon a public stage. Yes, "manspreading" - his nescience on the subject has alarmed me so, but my alterity, which I believed was in abnegation, has been compacted due to a recent elision which has removed me from my maldroit complacency; I am seeing clearly. Manspreading is the work of the devil. How can I make my male slave, as opposed to hideously subjective notions of "boyfriend" or "relationship", adhere to polite social conduct? Yours, Deirdre

Hi, Deirdre. From your rambling we’ve been able to determine something along the lines of this: you have a boyfriend, he manspreads in public, and you’d like this state of affairs to come to an end. We can assist you in this noble endeavour.

Manspreading has been around as long as men, public transport, and testicles have been in existence. The male subject often sits legs akimbo as he fears one of the latter will be crushed beyond repair should he join his legs together; it’s a somewhat arrogant and narcissistic pose to strike in public and it can often leave others squished into uncomfortable situations. For shame!

The End of Manspreading

Posting images of offenders online is doomed to failure, yet the large gaping chasm between the male subject’s legs provides ample opportunity to end an individual’s manspreading career in one foul swoop. What are we suggesting? Kick the bugger in the knackers!

Seriously, if that happens to a guy on one occasion, he’s not going to go around manspreading in public again after an ordeal like that. He may lapse and suddenly find himself manspreading again, say, 12 months down the line, but then his memory will kick in, the searing agony will be remembered, and he’ll do himself up properly. Good on him! He’s been cured.

As for your current slave, he may not appreciate such a violent demonstration of your anger. You could, instead, superglue his legs together, or simply refuse to go out with him in public. Indeed, out of sight, out of mind. Whilst this defeats the purpose of having a man bloke around, it would appear you’re looking for a subversive relationship anyway, so this should suit you accordingly.

Mansplaining

With the manspreading disease cured, the next issue to solve is mansplaining. We’re men, so we guess this entire website is one giant mansplain, for which we apologise heartily – we shall flog ourselves mercilessly later for our heinous sins. However, we shall also ensure other men are aware of mansplaining – we shall do this violently and we encourage you to follow suit.

From this day forth, we label Friday the official F*** Mansplaining! day. We’ll be heading into Manchester city centre with a cricket bat to batter the living daylights out of unassuming men who are overtly having discussions. You can use a golf club or baseball bat – whatever suits you best, Deirdre, just make sure you smack them up good! Problem solved.

2 comments

  1. Dear Aunt Agony, this seems rather harsh unless the perpetrator is taking up more than his share of the bus bench. If that is the case, have at it, otherwise, look away, move away, and by all means make no eye contact.

    Like

    • Direct all complaints to your nearest wall, please. As men, we understand that being glib and stupid is the only option. If you’re not on board with that… well… we’ll have to use more ellipses…

      Like

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