I’m Fred a freelance writer. I’m also so FED UP of bloody everything! Goddamn bloody clients and their fussy requests for their STUPID projects.

Like I give a damn about their PATHETIC websites and business endeavours.

Whatever. I’ve got to earn a living. There’s bloody bills to bloody well pay and so this is the goddamn route I have to take and Jesus H Christ I am so bloody sick of this for God’s sake.

Fed Up Fred’s Writing Services in Copywriting, Journalism, and World-Weary Bleating About Sod All

⚠️⚠️ PAYMENTS UPFRONT OR I WON'T COMPLETE YOUR WORK! ⚠️⚠️

For God’s sake, just pick a bloody service and hurry up and make a decision! I can:

• Edit
• Proofread
• Research
• Investigate
• Write (journalism & copywriting)
• Whinge

Whether you’ve got some rubbish novel you (delusionally) think will get published or you’re launching a new website to sell pathetic products to idiots… I’ll write it.

But be warned! I’ll write it begrudgingly.

And I can’t guarantee you’ll like the results, because I speak my mind, me, and you might not like hearing the truth about your ditzy little business experiment. I’m Fred. I offer harsh reality checks and a never-ending stream of caustic putdowns.

Frankly, I think you should sod off and use someone else’s bloody freelancing service so you can stop wasting my time! I don’t want to talk to you! Go on. Sod off!

But if I’m your last resort because you’re a convicted criminal, or drunkard who’s too out of it to read this properly, just send me the bloody money and I’ll half-heartedly scrawl out whatever bloody nonsense is going on in your worthless life. 🖕

Fed Up Fred’s Client Testimonials

Here’s a bloody selection of some of my STUPID clients and what they bloody well had to say about me. Like I give a damn!

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“I made the mistake of using Fred for 12 landing pages across my new website. It quickly became apparent he’s an intemperate old fool as he spent most of his time whining about why he should bother doing the work for me! I told him it’s because I’m PAYING him to do it and I could take my projects elsewhere. To which he responded, ‘Yeah, you do that fella!’

When the copy arrived, my word! It was all written in the style of a severely jaded, world-weary tabloid reader fed up with his lot and taking it out on everyone around him. Offering my customers an excellent value proposition? No! Just ranting about how it was so much better in ‘the good old days’ and 21 instances of  ‘bloody’ across the content. In the hero message on my homepage he actually wrote:

JUST BUY THE BLOODY PRODUCT YOU PILLOCKS!

That is NOT a good hero message! Quite the opposite! If I published that on my website, I can guarantee I’d get SEVERAL complaints!

My customers will not buy my product based off this copy! Fred… I am EXTREMELY dissatisfied with your work and I demand you reimburse me the £2,000 you demanded upfront!” Mr. Davis, Southampton

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“Fred is a terrible freelance writer. He may have been a good one in the past, but these days all he does is complain incessantly about everything like that old bloke from Steptoe and Son. He’s nasty, he’s mean, and he refuses to do anything unless you pay him a lot before he even lifts a finger. Avoid at all costs!” Miss Allen, London

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“I just needed a freelance writer to write a 300 word blog post, expecting that to be about £20 and be done in a few hours. Fed Up Fred charged me £4,000 and said it’d take at least 6 months to complete! I backed out immediately but then Fred said the project consultation was £500 alone. I refused to pay that… and he came round to my house! He lives in fucking Bolton and came all the way down to Devon to find me and call me a ‘pillock’. Then he drove back home again… Fred, you could have easily written the blog post in that time and earned £20!” Mr. Fawcett, Devon

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“Just the most miserable, whining, annoying, self-absorbed, crotchety old fart imaginable. Does he actually do any work at all? All he did was complain over the phone to me and then demand £500 for a ‘consultation’ fee… this is surely illegal?! I am reporting him to the Trading Standards.” Mrs. Colclough, Bristol

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“We spoke via MS Teams regarding a set of landing pages for my site. He spent 60 minutes whining about the state of the modern world, how ‘the woke mob’ have ruined society, and why he hates writing for a living. I politely tried to excuse myself from the meeting but he said he’d ‘top himself’ by chucking himself off a cliff if I cancelled the call. I felt obliged to stay and pay him the £2,000 for the project… wildly excessive charges and the copy he supplied me is unusable. I now feel emotionally blackmailed into paying for this charlatan and believe he should face jail time for his manipulative tactics!” Mr. Johnson, Portsmouth

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“I asked Fred to write me a cute haiku for my girlfriend’s birthday. He charged me £300 and sent me a 5,000 word essay/polemic on why modern life has been ruined by ‘effeminate man babies with more hair than women who should all be in the kitchen’ and, well… I had to make the most of the money I spent and so handed this essay/polemic to my girlfriend. She was furious, called me some bad names, and dumped me! All because of this supposed ‘haiku’! I’d give you 0 stars out of 5 if I could, Fred! You jerk!” Charlie Smith, Manchester