Along with Jenny the Jelly Encased Lawyer, you won’t find a finer legal mind than with Jeffrey the Jellyfish Judge.

He’s the most quietly terrifying judge on the seven seas!

With a sting enough to put you in a coma, it’s probably a good idea to stop breaking the law out there, sonny Jim!

Jeffrey the Jellfish Judge: A Stinging Career in Solving Legal Disputes

When not in court, Jeffrey is out in the Pacific ocean floating about a bit and letting his tentacles drift calmly on the tide.

When he’s in court, Jeffrey is maintained in a big jar of seawater throughout any court proceedings. He doesn’t have a traditional gavel to strike a sound block, so an official Gavel Striker Assistant is hired for him (as this person has arms, which Jeffrey does not).

With one twitch of a tentacle from Jeffrey, the assistant will then strike the sound block to restore order to the court.

If order is not restored, Jeffrey then may instil a punishment—an offending person must stick their arm into his bowl to be stung by the jellyfish judge.

For example, see this 2022 testimonial of Mark Johnson vs Bolton Metropolitan Borough Council. The former was in court facing petty theft charges of 79 traffic cones. After refusing to remain silent, into the bowl went his right arm.

The court stenographer’s transcript details this incident as follows:

“What’s this then… I just put me arm in ‘ere? What for? Is this even fookin’ legal!? Of for Christ’s sake whatever, fookin’ jellyfish judge you muppet what even is this I just cadged some traffic cones how were I to know that… ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Fookin’ ‘ell! That fookin’ ‘urt! Me arm… I fink I need to go t’ospital, me! Me arm as gone red raw! Fookin’ ‘ell! All right, I took the traffic cones, me, they’re in me mate Fred’s shed for fooks sake you can ‘ave ’em back!”

As you can see, Jeffrey’s use of punishment is a terrific way for criminals to announce their crimes in court.

Some critics have pointed out this isn’t legal, and is actually torture, but Jeffrey the Jellyfish Judge doesn’t abide by human rules. Thus, he is pardoned of any retribution and can continue in his jellyfish ways.

As barbaric and cruel as this may seem, the fact is it works.

Bolton Metropolitan Borough Council got their 79 traffic cones back. That’s an excellent return on taxpayer’s money to ensure the effective redirection of traffic in a safe manner.

Jeffrey the Jellyfish Judge’s Legal Team

Jeffrey has been accused of maintaining a maritime bias, hiring more and more sea animals to be a part of his court proceedings.

As of October 2023, his legal team now consists of a:

• Seahorse
• Great white shark
• Turtle
• Orca
• Octopus
• Walrus

Humans now involved in his court proceedings have commented it’s more like visiting a sealife centre than attending court.

However, Jeffrey (who communicates through stinging all around him) insists his legal goals are benign and merely for the good of the local, and national, community.

Furthermore, he is the best jellyfish judge in all the land.

If you wish to have a fair process free from silly wigs and wiff-waffle spouted by your average judge, this squishy being is whom you need to hire.