Mr. Wapojif

Ask Dr. Moron: “Why do I get the Boxing Day blues?!” 🔵

Boxing day blues at Christmas time

Boxing Day has little to do with boxing (unless you want to truly offload your frustrations upon your family) and a little to do with the blues.

Sadly, for many people the day after Christmas Day is often a time to be extremely hungover. This leads to feelings of mass anxiety, depression, self-loathing, and dread. Not least as you’re forced to socialise despite all of this.

As such, we’re on hand with medical advice to get you through this most trying of 24 hours.

Boxing Day Blues in the Spirit of Christmas

Disclaimer: Ignore our medical advice, we aren't qualified doctors and it's whatever we have to say is always terrible.

Hi there, Dr. Moron,

My name is Gareth and I’m a bit worried that I’ll get chronically depressed on Boxing Day like I did last year and then I’ll end up punching my brother in frustration. It was quite the kerfuffle last year and we really offloaded a few of our long-term frustrations on each other.

Turns our he’s jealous of my success, fancies my wife, and thinks I’m a “waste of space”.

In return, I called him a “jumped up dork” and said I thought his business (a digital agency) was stupid, and my wife is more attractive than his (even though she’s actually less attractive than his wife Maude).

Blast! What a spot of bother we got ourselves into.

By decree, this year must be much more civil. Our wives, Mildred and Maude, have demanded “no more punch ups”. I can’t promise I’ll get through this one. Because my brother has landed some massive clients this year, whereas my business shut down due to my illegal tax dodging (I swear to the Lord it was an accident) alongside my refusal to pay my employees for three months straight (I didn’t think they were working hard enough).

My brother will be full of swagger and his smugness will be intolerable.

It doesn’t help he’s just got one of those faces you want to plant a clenched fist into.

I also know I’ll be very hungover on Boxing Day. This is because I am ALWAYS hungover on Boxing Day. It’s a 45 year tradition of mine. It makes me depressed and irritable, and I should expect the fists will be flying on the 26th again, but it’s my tradition and I fail to see why I should accommodate for the arrogance of my brother at this time of year!

Rather, and moreover, I just want to sit and sip from a brandy bottle until my body is numb to the world.

Regards,

Gareth

Hi there, Gareth. It sounds to us like you’re suffering from kidney stones.

Common signs and symptoms of this condition can include many of the signs and symptoms you’ve just listed above. This is a very serious situation, but there’s no need to panic and you almost certainly won’t need a brain transplant.

Stay calm and follow our seriously misguided, and no doubt wildly inaccurate, medical advice. Our immediate suggestions are you:

  • Stop eating kidney beans (responsible for 99% of all kidney stone cases).
  • Stop complaining about everything like a bloody nuisance.
  • Stop comparing yourself to your brother. It’s clear he’s a vastly superior human begin to you, but punching him in the face again won’t solve anything.

There we have it. The three Ss—stop, stop, stop.

Stop being so up yourself, Gareth, get to hospital and have those kidney stones removed. Only then will you be able to eat kidney beans again. And as chilli con carne enthusiasts, we can’t imagine a life free from the things.

It’s of VITAL imperative you resolve these issues in time for a glorious, chilli con carne filled 2024!

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