Do you have a cabbage patch? THEN IT NEEDS INSPECTING! NOW!!!

Failure to comply with this national emergency will induce a state of criminal intent and you will breach myriad international human rights laws.

You MUST respond to this emergency announcement and follow OUR RULES within the next 72 hours or face the impossible wrath of our onslaught that shall OBLITERATE you in the name of well maintained cabbage patches.

Cabbage Patches: The Eternal Need for Cruciferous Excellence

The layman has no comprehension of what cabbages provide to the welfare of humanity. Without cabbages society would face:

• Famine.
• Nationwide rioting.
• Economic collapse.
• The need for surplus green vegetables such as broccoli, kale, and spinach.
• Death, horror, disease, apocalypse, nuclear war, and NO CABBAGE SOUP.

The collective onslaught of the above would be enough to render humanity redundant; a blubbing mass of cabbage-free entities incapable of functioning on a day-to-day basis.

Enter Cabbage Patch Inspection Services Ltd.

We’re like the X-Files, but with a heavier emphasis on cultivated plants eaten as vegetables with thick, green leaves circulating the cruciferous heart at the epicentre.

How Cabbage Patch Inspection Services Ltd. Operates

Cabbage Patch Inspection Services Ltd. is an independent organisation that uses brute force as a means to ensure social harmony.

We don’t need local government support. WE ARE THE LAW.

As such, we don’t need to acquire a permit to inspect your cabbage patch. Even if you don’t have a cabbage patch, or a garden, we can barge into your property and lecture you aggressively about the importance of cabbages.

Should you have a cabbage patch that doesn’t meet our sky-high expectations, you can expect the type of wrath you’d expect from a very angry deity in a religious text of your choice. We will:

• Smash down your front door with a battering ram.
• Command you to take us to your cabbage patch.
• Inspect the cabbage patch in question over a meticulous 72 hour period.
• Issue your cabbage patch report.
  • This’ll outline your various failings in cabbage patch etiquette.
• Determine your fate.

Failure to match our expectations will result in one, or more, of the following punishments:

• 300 years imprisonment.
• 300 hours of community services.
• 300 lashes with rotting cabbages.
• 300 bowls of cabbage soup to be eaten consecutively within 300 minutes.
• 300 accusations of being a rubbish gardener.

The humiliation of one, or more, of the above punishments will DESTROY you psychologically and make your RESPECT the cabbage doctrine.

The Cabbage Patch Doctrine of Excellence For International Compliance

Cabbage Patch Inspection Services Ltd. maintains a fundamental doctrine outlining the excellence standards of an excellent cabbage patch. They are appropriate:

• Watering.
• Prep talks.
• Feeding.
• Frost protection.
• Harvesting.
• Storage.

Of these, prep talks ARE SINGULARLY THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of maintaining a cabbage patch! You should look to talk to your cabbages daily, no matter how stupid it makes you look to your neighbours, family members, or friends.

Coo in delight at the cabbages and utter sweet nothings such as:

• “Thou art cabbage as thou art beautiful.”
• “I do love nothing in the world so well as cabbage.”
• “So is mine eye enthralled to thy shape, cabbage.”
• “Cabbages make the world go round.”

You can also hold seances and chants at night by controlled fire, whereupon stripping naked and prancing about wailing to the Cabbage God is encouraged.

This will facilitate excellent crops for the seasons ahead.

FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTIONS! WE WILL FIND OUT IF YOU ARE IGNORING THE DOCTRINE OF THE CABBAGE PATCH!