As with the likes of introducing great white sharks into your workplace, as an employer you may wish to hire an elephant (or two).

Putting aside the inevitable and tedious Dumbo jokes, it’s important to induct the elephant into your organisation following the appropriate employment laws.

In this guide, we’ll take you through them all! From dealing with trumpeting outbursts to where you can hide in the event of yet another stampede.

Elephants in Your Workplace: How to Effectively Manage These Enormous Mammals

Elephants have been a mainstay in office environments since 1973, when the small business John’s Office Supplies in Skegness, UK, introduced one into its workplace.

After the elephant, Margery, stampeded across the office and destroyed all the precious supplies, the owner John attempted to sue the aforementioned creature.

This led to The Elephants at Work Act 1974, which regulates this matter in order to ensure there are no more shenanigans such as at John’s Office Supplies in Skegness. Indeed, on page 3,123 of 43,125 of the Act, section 41 (g) states:

“Hiring an elephant must not be used as a secret attempt to sue the elephant. These large mammals do not understand our legal systems and no matter how long you spend explaining it to them, they will remain more interested in eating grass, gulping down water, and trumpeting at ear-splitting volume.”

As such, you should only hire an elephant if you seriously intend to get the most out of their sense of initiative and occasional outburst of wanton destruction.

Hiring Your Elephant

Put out your job spec for elephants to apply to using the standard job boards. Once you’ve got a good selection of applications, sift through their EVs (elephant vitae) and make a decision on who to interview.

These are the steps you must then follow:

• Hold first-stage interviews via video calling software of your choice.
• Ask them pertinent questions such as, “Where do you see yourself in five years, Mr. Elephant?”
• Appreciate that elephants don’t speak English, so instead just nod knowingly as they trumpet loudly onscreen and spray water about the place.
• Make notes about their suitability for the role of office elephant, such as whether they have the capacity to stay still for more than 13 seconds.
• Thank the elephant for their time and then hang up.

Post-interviews, gather your data and then consider the best candidates. You can meet all of your chosen ones in a big field at a chosen time.

The elephants will frolic, trumpet, eat grass, and occasionally stampede.

Take your pick from the one who does the best job of all that, then present the beast with his/her contract of employment. Consider it signed is the elephant:

• Strikes the contract with its trunk.
• Consumes the paper.
• Whacks you about the head with his/her trunk.

That’s a legally binding signature and the elephant will be able to commence work ASAP. Congratulations!

How to Effectively Introduce an Elephant and Hippopotamus Into Your Workplace

Please read our guide to hippopotamuses at work to comprehend how to induct these huge, destructive monsters into your office.

Once you have the knowhow, and after you hire your elephant, you can integrate the two land/water-based mammals amongst your human employees.

Do note, the elephant and hippo may initially detest the sight of each other. There may be the likes of:

• Territorial defensive displays.
• Roaring, hissing, trumpeting, and argy-bargy.
• Stampeding.
• Refusal to cooperate and work together as part of a team.

If the elephant and hippo refuse to work together then you can try keeping them in separate rooms. Windowless ones, if possible. But if that’s not an option then you’ll just have to grin and bear it on this one.

The elephant and hippo may engage in carnage and rampages, but this is just their version of productivity. Fear not! Your profit margins and end-of-year-bonus are perfectly safe know you have two barely controllable wild animals in your workplace.

Elephant Noises: What They Mean in a Market-Based Business Environment

Once your elephant is settled in and on your payroll, you may hear it make all manner of unusual noises. What do these mean?

To help you understand, here’s a breakdown of elephant-to-business terminology:

• Quiet trumpet: Casual agreement in what is occurring.
• Earth-shaking trumpeting: Vociferous disagreement with what is occurring (for example, the elephant is angry it won’t be receiving a promotion or pay rise).
• Low rumble: Likely to be humble bragging, for example if a piece of its work (e.g. headbutting the office photocopier) is praised by you the employer.
• High-frequency snorting: Disgust at Dave from accounts, whom chews with his mouth open. This noise is often complemented by a bad tempered stampede that may decimate your office in the true sense of the word.
• English pleasantries: If the elephant is talking to you in English then you’re likely hallucinating and should seek immediate medical assistance.

To get the most out of your elephant, encourage its wild behaviours.

Whether there are important clients or stakeholders in the office, or there’s a crucial meeting taking place, the grey monstrosity should effusively trumpet its animalistic desires.

Key Takeaways: How Elephants Will Make You a Billionaire

With at least one elephant in your workplace your business is projected to earn at least $137 billion annually. This is the business belief known as Elephant Economics, as touted by entrepreneur [name removed due to legal reasons].

He believes a solitary elephant in any workplace will induce:

• Terror amongst other employees, thus leading to faster work and higher productivity.
• Surplus excrement, which can be siphoned off as a lucrative side hustle for those seeking manure.
• Positive PR! Think of all the attention your business will have with an enormous beast as part of your workforce.
• Monstrous protection from any invading communists, who shall be defeated by the beast’s mighty trunk of righteous capitalism.

Downsides to hiring an elephant are few and far between, although you may have to foot the bill for some of the creature’s berserk rampages.

However, seeing as you’ll be earning BILLIONS this point is moot.