As with hippopotamuses at work, there are some animals that instil productivity in your working environment.

One such example of a productivity booster is the great white shark. These enormous bastards are tremendous employees and act as terrific colleagues for your existing workforce.

Join us today as we explore the role these torpedoes with teeth can play in your business.

Sharks and the Workplace

The legislation governing this matter was The Sharks at Work Act 1974. Laterally, The Great White Sharks at Work Act 1974 was also introduced.

These were later amalgamated into The Long-Bodied (Primarily) Marine Fish with Cartilaginous Skeleton and Prominent Dorsal Fin Act 1992.

In 2010, this was adapted to The Sharks at Work and (Miscellaneous) Fish-Based Act 2010 to accommodate for an easier name. Section 27 (b) on page 3,601 states:

“Great white sharks and, indeed, all sharks are welcome in any working environment. These fish have been proven to have strong work ethics. Their skills are ideally suited to environments such as:

a) Those containing a lot of water

b) Competitive sales environments

c) Aquariums

d) Pet shops

e) Offices that work with Excel spreadsheets and need much conditional formatting

Employers must remember the The Sharks at Work and (Miscellaneous) Tooth-Based Act 2010 is in no way affiliated with The Tinned Tuna at Work Act 1974.

Finding Great White Sharks to Hire

Whilst many great whites busy themselves with swimming in the oceans and earning a living by slaughtering seals, some head inland looking for meaningful employment.

Great whites are more in touch with human society than ever before and will post their SV (shark vitae) on online forums. Some of the platforms you can search for their credentials include:

• SharkedIn
• TotalSharkJobs
• Shark2Careers
• Shark-library
• Sharkajob
• SharkRecruiter

Other great whites will apply manually to roles you place on their website.

Do note, many of their SVs you’ll receive will have enormous gashes in them and will often be blood-spattered.

Under The Sharks at Work and (Miscellaneous) Fish-Based Act 2010, it’s illegal to discriminate against a shark based on a messy SV.

In fact, a great white could launch an employment tribunal against you if you turn down their application as it’s covered in entrails.

The maximum punishment an employer faces upon losing a case is being devoured whole by the great white in question (see Quint in Jaws from 1975 for further details).

The Interview Process For Great White Sharks

Once you have several great whites ready for interviews, begin seeing them.

You’ll need to travel to your nearest expansive of water to interview them (for remote working great whites). But some will travel to your workplace in a giant and mobile water tank if they want to work in-house.

Despite their terrifying appearance, the monstrosities will often get nervous before the interview. Please keep this in mind and make them feel as comfortable as possible during your interview phase.

Once the interview begins, ask pertinent questions such as:

• What would you say is your sharpest tooth?
• Do you think great whites have an unfair reputation as mindless eating machines?
• Why did you leave your previous role?
  • Tip: Should the shark indicate it’s because he/she devoured the boss, this is a red flag.
• Are you prone to devouring your colleagues?
  • Tip: See previous tip.
• In what part of the ocean do you see yourself in five years?

Remember, most great whites can’t speak English.

But they can answer questions by chomping down violently on one of your legs and dragging you off into the ocean never to be seen again.

Integrating Great White Sharks Into Your Workplace

Once you’ve hired a great white shark, it’s essential you train the rest of your staff in understanding the shark isn’t there to devour them.

Indeed, they mustn’t discriminate against the shark. Otherwise, they may face disciplinary action, which could result in punishment—such as a suspension without pay or actually being devoured by the shark.

On its first day, the great white will likely be nervous.

Once it arrives in its giant tank, provide it with a coffee (infused with human blood) and give it a guided tour of your workplace.

If you’re in an office, for example, you’ll also need to get it setup with its computer, desk, chair, and keyboard.

After this, introduce the toothy monstrosity to its colleagues.

Remember, any staff who scream in terror and run should have their pay docked for that month. Its colleagues should be kind, courteous, and free from fouling their pants.

Do note, however, the shark may well (due to first day nerves) devour several employees in a fit of uncertainty-driven rage.

Let that slide to begin with, just don’t let it get away with it after the first day.

If everyone in your business is eaten alive by the great white shark, then you’ll probably have to shut down. No employee is worth that. No matter how great the great white is.