In the age of keyboard warriors and man blokes asserting themselves online, what does it mean for the human females of the world (particularly ones who are married to the man blokes who take up their trusty blades and head into the arena of online debate armed with laughing crying emojis)?

Well, that’s what we’re here to explore this fine day. As this issue is every bit as annoying as when your husband refuses to use drinks coasters.

And we’re going to dish out mansplaining advice to help dames get their geezers OFF the internet and back into society (as a football hooligan, lager lout etc.). Onward!

Husband’s Internet Forum Addiction

Dear agony aunt,

My husband Roger (Rog for short, although he keeps asking the family to call him Big Man but I say no because he’s actually only 5’6″ and that’s not very big for a man is it?) has turned himself into a Keyboard Warrior.

He’s unemployed right now after being fired for stealing pre-packaged minced beef from the supermarket chain where he worked as a shelf stacker. With all the extra time he’s taken to many online forums and comments sections to (often drunkenly) vent his frustrations about immigration and the lack of moral values in modern society. He treats it like a proper shift, you know? He’s up at 8am, showers, gets dressed, has a coffee and a sausage roll, then he gives me a peck on the cheek and he goes, “I’m off to work now, flower! As the main breadwinner for the family I gotta work hard for a livin’!” Then he tootles off upstairs to go “to work”.

He then sits there until midday, when he comes down for lunch (coffee and more sausage rolls) and then he heads back up. All day, I can hear him effing and jeffing at the computer about “libtards” and he gets really angry and starts slamming the mouse or his fists on the table and shouting abuse.

I must say, this can’t be healthy for a man.

After his “shift” he comes downstairs and expects me to have dinner on the table ready and waiting for him. If it isn’t he hits the roof! We’ll then eat dinner with the kids at the table after muggins here collects them from high school. Then he just talks about his day non-stop about how he “were putting the world to rights for the good of society” about “proper good moral values and faith”.

Then he hits the beers and by 9pm he’s so drunk he wants to go to the local pub to sing power ballads on the karaoke.

He won’t let me see anything he writes on the forums, although some nights he drunkenly tells me some of the things he’s been writing (mainly foul-mouthed abuse about immigrants and communism).

I’m not sure how to handle this. Needless to say, it’s putting a strain on our marriage. Can you help? Thanks! Beth

Hi there, Beth! As far as we can tell, there are two potential routes you can take. These are:

1. Tolerate his behaviour until the end of days.
2. Find out one of the forums he’s using, sign-up with an account, and get him to write inflammatory (and defamatory) abuse at you. Then report him to the authorities for hate speech and get him forced through a lengthy legal process, with the potential for incarceration as an outcome, during which time you can watch him suffer through such ignominy.

We highly recommend you take the second approach, although it’s up to you. It’s your marriage that’s on the line, though!

And other than hobbling him with a sledgehammer (a tried-and-tested Misery approach), you’ll find the great British law is always on your side.

Sometimes. Maybe. Ish.