Agony Aunt: “My husband REFUSES to use drinks coasters!!”

A marriage ruined by drinks coasters

Some marriages face difficult times due to things such as money, cheese, and alien invasions. Others are tested far more harshly… pushed to the limits of human extremes.

Such as when a human male (husband) refuses to use a drinks coaster. This is like the human male struggling to boil rice issue (but far worse).

Whilst this is a difficult topic for any person to have to face, today we’re brave enough to take it on. Heed this advice. For it has the capacity to change the fate of the human species.

When a Man Refuses to Use a Drinks Coaster

Right I'm getting straight into this (hello etc.) but you've got to hear this! My husband, right, the "love of my life" (apparently) has an issue, okay? Has an ISSUE with me using DRINKS COASTERS...

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

DRINKS COASTERS! TO be clear, my home is my Empire. It is my land. Anyone within my land most obey my rules. I made sure my husband, Dave, understands this enough all right. Right? I made it damn clear! I was screaming it at him. Those coasters may seem insignificant, but authority begins with the minor details and works its way up to God (me). 

Anyway, to teach that prick a lesson I'm withholding myself from him emotionally and physically. He called that "marital blackmail" and I called him "a dickhead" and, to prove my point, I went around our three bedroomed house putting drinks coasters in EACH and EVERY room! That's right, there's now THREE drinks coasters in EVERY room in my Empire.

Including the bathroom! There's one coaster on top of the toilet, the other's in the toilet bowl, and the third is next to the bog brush. It's a superb idea for dinner party guests! Why didn't I think about it before?! Instead of staining my floors with drinks rims, they'll have drinks coasters to put the drinks on whilst they relieve themselves.

I've also put some drinks coasters in our bed. 

That is a NIGHTLY remind to my husband that I am right and HE is wrong. We've had this arrangement for the last week and he's complained about the coasters digging into his spleen whilst sleeping. I simply shrieked back at him (and it was 4am at the time), "IF YOU DO NOTWANT A DRINKS COASTER DIGGING IN YOUR SPLEEN, THEN ACKNOWLEDGE THE DRINKS COASTERS!!"

He has now acknowledged the drinks coasters.

However, I fear this acquiescence is more an attempt to get me to back off with this episode regarding drinks coasters. In short, I believe he's not truly accepting them and actually views drinks coasters as one would view a dog turd in the street.

I put it to you, agony aunt... how can I, a respectable woman who deigns to manage her household responsibly, put this man in his place? With utmost respectability, Susana

Hi there Susana! This is definitely a difficult situation to manage, but you can alleviate tensions by introducing wooden doorstops into your household.

The steady proliferation of wooden drinks coasters (presuming they are wooden, as opposed to tacky plastic varieties) and doorstops will steadily help your layabout of a husband appreciate the importance of what’s happening here.

It’s said the path to a happy marriage is through coasters.

Famously, Gandhi made this most noble and wiser assertion. Indeed, this is his quote, verbatim (although some allege the quote is misattributed to him, he probably definitely said it):

“The coaster is really fucking important in marriage. Without it there’s just going to be drink stains on tabletop surfaces across any given home. And then you kiss goodbye to an easy time of it, you know? No putting your feet up with a can of beer to shout abuse at the telly when you’re watching the footie. No, just your wife NAGGING at you like the bleedin’ pain in the backside that broad has become!”

Whatever, we’re bored with this now.

For the love of God, can you just stop sending us your pathetic problems?! Drinks coasters? Really!? We’re above this! We don’t even use “drinks coasters”, we drink everything out of a bucket!

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