Have much is too much black pepper? It’s the question that plagues every single human being every single day of their lives.

Especially black pepper addicts. The sad acts who have to grind 100g of black pepper onto their food (even their breakfast cereals!), otherwise they view it as edible!

But how long can a person maintain such a lifestyle before entering a black pepper induced coma? Let’s find out!

Black Pepper: To Grind, or Not to Grind?

Dear Dr. Moron,

It started off innocently enough. A sprinkle of black pepper over me spaghetty boll of neighs. Weeks later it were a step up to a handful. Weeks after that and it were five minutes of grinding me pepper mill over that dish pasta dish. The wife looked at me and said, “Jesus, Gerald, what the bloody hell!? You can’t see the bloody pasta for all the black pepper! Shine a light!”

I were all, “Shut your bleeding cake hole, woman!” Argument over.

However, I’ve come to think the wife has a point. I’m now grinding so much black pepper over me food I might as well just eat black pepper because whatever it is is coated in the bloody stuff like it’s a snowstorm or some such! I looked at me taggy lee telly last night and I had a panic attack cos I thought it were under attack from a swarm of flies! That’s how bloody thick the coating of black pepper were all over it!

“DEIRDRE! I need help!” I roared at the top of me lungs and the woman dialled the emergency services for an ambulance.

Get this… bastards wouldn’t send one! Something about it not really being an emergency. I then spoke to me GP about this and I could tell he weren’t impressed. Just another bastard. Just another Marxist bastard!

Last resort, here I am writing at you lot… are you Marxists!? You better bloody not be!

Kind regards, Gerald

Hi there, Gerry. Black pepper is some hard shit, so we wouldn’t recommend crashing off the stuff cold turkey. Perhaps wean yourself off gently by switching to white pepper or bell pepper vegetables (avoid the red ones as they’re communists).

For tips on how to dry out like a champion, you can refer to Hubert Selby Jnr’s Requiem for a Dream.

It’ll take up to seven days and you’ll experience withdrawal symptoms such as hysteria and mania.

This’ll include a strong desire to dress up as ’90s madness icon Mr. Blobby to strut your idiotic stuff. Other symptoms will include:

• Screaming continuously for no real reason.
• A desire to consume cheap pasta.
• Feeling strong urges to grind pepper mills.

After you come crashing down off that lot you’ll be able to lead a normal life. Just stay off the black pepper! Never go near it again.

Superb alternatives include: grated cheese, masses of ground salt, mustard, gravy, custard, dandruff. Please note, none of these things are self-proclaimed Marxists so you should be safe there. All the best, sir!