Jupiter may be our favourite gas giant, but it doesn’t mean we’re NOT going to write silly stories about it.
Yes, as today we’re attempting to humanise that vast, radioactive, thunderous monstrosity in the deep recesses of space. Thus marking our second space-based short story following Fennec the Fox Chooses the Moon. 🌘
Jupiter and the Cosmic Escape of Petty Arguments
Synopsis: An angry Jupiter (the legendary gas giant) argues with passing asteroids, becoming increasingly apoplectic about the lack of manners displayed by celestial bodies in general.
Cast of characters:
- Jupiter
- Jupiter’s moons
- Passing asteroids ☄️
Ever since the July 16th 1994 Comet Shoemaker–Levy 9 impact event, when 21 fragments of a comet whacked into its backside, Jupiter had become a bit moody about celestial objects with eccentric orbits.
So moody, in fact, its 95 moons were constantly talking behind Jupiter’s back about just how moody the gas giant was. One of them, Ganymede, commented, “Jupiter has become bloated with anger!” And the moons all had a jolly laugh at the expense of the gas giant.
This sort of thing did not improve Jupiter’s mood. Not one bit!
Perhaps you can understand why Jupiter remains so angry. It’s about the consistent bombardment on its surface and orbit. For example, when NASA’s space probe Juno approached the planet in July 2016, the concern was Comet Shoemaker–Levy 9 all over again. Jupiter became most animated during the approach, barking obscenities and other demands at the craft.
“BUGGER OFF! GO ON! CLEAR OFF! AWAY! GET LOST!”
It ignored all the crystal clear instructions, obstinately approached at speed, but didn’t slam into the gas giant to create explosions as big as Australia. Instead, it went into a sweeping arc of an orbit and there it remains.
For some time, Jupiter tried talking to it. “Morning!” it said week after week as the craft zapped in a somewhat eccentric orbit, perambulating over and over in a sweeping arc. But it never responded.
“Bloody rude!” Jupiter fumed. It knew intergalactic society was done for when foreigners like that could turn up without a VISA or anything, come into its orbit, and then not even so much as say, “Good morning!”
Jupiter had vented its frustrations at the one moon it was on speaking terms with. That is Io the ice moon. Unfortunately, discussions led nowhere as Io has been somewhat sanctimonious of late, puffed up on self-importance because NASA believes it may be harbouring life under its icy surface.
Tish and pish, thought Jupiter, Io has about as much life in it as a… turd!
Moodiness was not improved due to the constant bombardment of asteroids and comets through Jupiter’s region of space. After billions of years, the gas giant was indeed bloated with rage on this matter. Long since 1994 it had given up on being accommodating to stuff from deep space visiting. No. It was time to stand its ground. So whenever a new object appeared on the horizon, Jupiter felt that familiar tinge of outrage and knew it was time to express itself.
“BUGGER OFF, YOU TOURIST!”
It’d roar that across the cosmos, hoping its radioactive aurorae would destroy whatever the bloody hell it was.
One morning last week, for another example here, a large asteroid stormed into the region having refused to back off. And that despite Jupiter shouting abuse for 24 solid hours as the object approached.
Did the asteroid listen? Nope! With the utmost petulance, it arrived on the scene seemingly oblivious to Jupiter’s protestations.
“Get out of here, you bloody tourist!” Jupiter shouted.
“What the hell’s your problem!?” The asteroid responded.
“Clear off, you impudent swine!” Jupiter retorted.
The asteroid chose to ignore the gas giant and carried on its way. But, get this! Another THREE asteroids, and then one comet, came through the area… in the same day. Jupiter was hoarse from all the abusive shouting, the sense of indignation almost overwhelming for the gas giant.
“GET OUTTA HERE! GO ON! TOURISTS ARE NOT WELCOME!”
The comet, an impertinent young upstart and representative of everything wrong with today’s asteroid youth (as older comets and asteroids were so much more respectful and well mannered… apart from those 21 thugs in 1994, of course), was most impertinent in its response. It jeered at Jupiter. Jeered!
“Cram a sock in it, you cranky old bastard!” And as it joyrode its way through the gas giant’s 95 moons, it flipped them all the bird.
Jupiter huffed and puffed, but as irate as it was… there was nothing it could do. The plan? It’d orbit the Sun another few billion years complaining and tutting. It wasn’t much of plan, though, so perhaps it’d write a strong worded letter to the, aforementioned, Sun demanding it incinerate asteroids and comets that stray anywhere near it. The problem with that? Jupiter knew it’d take a good few millennia to get the paperwork sorted. Then it’d mean loads of court trips. Then, say, in a million years when the law was cleared (if it even was) what then? The asteroids and comets would all ignore the bloody law! Why? Because they’re no good youths with no goddamn respect for law and order.
Jupiter turned to Io and vented. It vented all its rage in a rambling, directionless, oft repeating monologue about how the universe was better round about 3.2 billion years ago. Io had heard it all before. In the end, it rolled its eyeballs and started singing a song to block out Jupiter’s rambling invective.
The gas giant was at a loss… now even Io had succumbed to bad manners.
Floating out here surrounded by 95 moons, none of whom have the decency to get some traditional good manners and, instead, gossip about Jupiter behind its back. The seething continued. The moodiness rose. The anger became manifest.
And Jupiter’s Great Red Spot did swell mighty large. 🔴
An enormous storm 10,250 miles across that’s raged for over 400 years. Why?! Due to Jupiter’s anger management problems.
Sadly, there are no therapists in deep space. For the sake of Jupiter, we hope it can calm itself down to bring its blood pressure under control. Yet, as is so often the case, the red anger of rage isn’t controllable for the caustic cosmic bodies amongst us.
