Everybody knows that superb book Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush. It’s an out-and-out classic first published in 1847 under the pseudonym Ellis Bell.

Kate Bush was also a superb pop singer, belting out hits such as… Wuthering Heights. Huh? Was this woman only capable of using one title for things!?

Cripes, it’s no wonder someone had to rework the book to make it more macho. That’s why we’ve got Withering Fights (2023), self-published by a self-identifying drunken football hooligan called Legless Larry.

Themes of Drunken Stupidity and Fisticuffs in Withering Heights

“Beer made me cruel…”

This is a semi-autobiographical work about getting drunk and having fights at football (soccer) matches. Think of this work as a fine accompaniment to that life-affirming classic The Secret Beer Garden. Because alcohol plays a significant part in Withering Fights.

One could argue it is, indeed, the central driving force of the plot—angry males getting tipsy and demolishing local communities in a free-for-all.

Many of the men are bald.

Legless Larry makes a bold statement about this early in the work. It’s a contemplation simply belching with higher intelligence.

“Looking out across, the pitch one could ascertain at least 72% of those whom engaged in the inebriated roaring and thrown punches were of limited hair capacity. It struck one and one dallied on the truth of the matter; perchance, is the bald man an angrier male than the average hair follicled male?

One did not waste too much time on the matter. For one simply had to rip off one’s top, bellow “THE REFEREE’S A WANKER!” (although noting the grammatical incorrection of such an exhortation, for it should be the referee IS a wanker), and storm into the fray to clobber some of the bald headed bastards.”

Bald headed bastards to one side, most of Withering Fights is Legless Larry’s postulations and contemplation on the nature of mindless aggression.

Theories on Baldness, Belligerence, and Bovril

He has some unique theories on the the nature of aggression in football and literature. These include:

• Violence is the only outlet for bald men, whom he feels have been rejected by society and as hair transplants are largely unaffordable for the “riffraff” they must throw punches in anger.
  • His solution for this is to create Bald Camps where bald men can congregate at weekends and weep helplessly at the loss of their hair. Legless Larry believes, “Such a cathartic release would be cathartic.”
• Literature (books, including his own) is responsible for all of the world’s problems.
  • He clarifies by stating that, as long as there have been books, there have always been conflict and wars. He believes this is beyond a mere coincidence, “The book is the harbinger of war, for when has there not been a book present during any war? Exactly.”
• Belligerence is the harmonious state of mind with which bald men should lead their lives. He encourages “baldies” to engage in fights as often as possible and to burn books in huge fires.

In the final chapter, Legless Larry espouses his personal philosophy of Fisticuffialism.

“It is a state of constant fisticuffs. Therein lies the answer to true personal emancipation; for fisticuffs precedes essence. One shall drink a mug of hot Bovril to honour that.”

Many critics have accused the book and its weird contradictions and messages as “incitement to riot” and generally the jabbering of a conspiracy theory lunatic.

For his part, Legless Larry noted in 2024 he was very drunk when he wrote the work so he, “Doesn’t really feel responsible for any of its content.”

Nevertheless, he encourages people to buy the book as he wishes to fund a duck pond at the bottom of his garden through the sales.

Get a COMPLETELY FREE (!!!) Jar of Bovril With Withering Fights

Following a wave of negative reviews from literary critics, the book’s publisher attempted to boost interest by offering COMPLETELY FREE jars of Bovril to readers.

As opposed to partially free jars of Bovril (the distinction is important).

The beverage is a popular drink on football terraces to help with the comedown from constant beer-induced hangovers.

Whether it’ll improve sales or not is as unknowable as the murky depths lurking within a mug of hot Bovril, but one this is clear. Withering Fights should be the go-to bible for all future football hooligans. You startin’!? YOU STARTIN’!?