We’re Hiring: Our Last Apprentice Died Hideously… Sign On Up!

We are hiring
Are you qualified? Then you’re no good. Amateurs only, please, we’re trying to keep costs down.

Following the hideous death (due to blood loss*) of our most recent apprentice, we’re hiring for a replacement.

Do you think you’ve got the personality to endure 17 hour days facing an onslaught of emotional and physical abuse for a poverty wage?

If so, you’ll do fine at Professional Moron! We’re one of the world’s most idiotic and award-losing websites.

The Role

Our apprentice occupies many jobs simultaneously, thusly ensuring we don’t have to hire multiple skilled employees when we can just choose one and exploit them maliciously. As such, your common duties will include:

  • Pottery making: We need more pottery in the office. It’s your job to become our go-to potter and ideate within the spheres of potteryness. Mr. Wapojif, our esteemed editor, smashes a pot over your skull in a rage? No problem! Once you’ve regained consciousness, you can make another one.
  • Ketchup: The office is often running low on condiments, particularly ketchup. You must take ownership of the ketchup. Ensure the office is fully stocked at all times.
  • Sandwiches: We like sandwiches here at Professional Moron, but we’re always running out of sand. Go and get us some!
  • Marketing: It’s our mission to infect at least one person a day with our propaganda. Get out into Manchester and brainwash the masses with naked demonstrations and chainsaw revving contests.
  • Gangrene: Do you have this? If not, go out there and find us some.
  • Competence: No, we’re looking for incomptence. Incontinence is also considered an attribute.

Ultimately, we want a young no getter. Someone who is obedient and stupid enough to realise we’re better than you are. In return, you’ll get a free sandwich on Fridays.

Skills You’ll Need

A lackey who’s obedient, a bit dimwitted, and totally happy with becoming an expendable eyesore. But also:

  • Ability to withstand the sight of copious vomit. There will be a lot of it. Tuesday is Vomit Day here.
  • Do you like chainsaws? So do we! Get yourself used to these fantastic devices. They’re grrrrriveous bodily harm instruments. Not that we use them for that, ever.
  • Stupidity. A must. Just, you know, be a bit thick. You’ll do well here.

Why Work For Professional Moron?

Gosh, where do you even start!? Located in the beating poverty-stricken end of Manchester, where crime is rife and we recommend you always carry a knife, you’ll probably like working for us. Maybe.

Whilst we’re here to exploit your very being in that soul crushing way only modern capitalism (the hope and wonder that provides a select lucky few with good results) can achieve… what? Oh yeah. Here’s why you should work for us:

  • Free fruit Wednesday. Like fruit? Well, we’ve got bargain bin, pesticide heavy stuff you’ll just love. Until it gives you a terminal disease.
  • Chainsaws: We have them!
  • Experience: Explain to your next employer why you have severe PTSD and clinical depression. It shows you’ve lived!
  • Wombats: Like these beasts? We ain’t got none here!

Ultimately, we’re a fun loving office that doesn’t place bouts of regular disease-ridden pestilence ahead of a good profit margin.

Business is business. Money is all that matters. Money makes you a success! And it doesn’t matter how much of a vile bastard that turns you into in the process. *ahem*

*We’re legally obliged to inform all applications that Our last one died after severing a limb during our weekly Chainsaw Revving Day. After a police investigation, this event was deemed a breach of British health and safety laws.
As such, we’ve outlawed the event to only once a month. And all chainsaws – when not revving – must be stored in the office closet.

42 comments

  1. What a dream job! You’ll have the position filled in no time. Perhaps you can add Chainsaw carving contests to revving day. We have them in Canada.
    “Chainsaws will be revving in Saskatchewan this weekend as competitors gear up for the first ever Manitou Maple Madness Chainsaw Carving Competition.”
    It’s true and I know this is coming to you as VERY exciting news!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, we’ll schedule you in for an interview. You must be here for 1pm BST on Tuesday. Appreciate it’s a longhaul flight from America, but we’re a progressive office… just not forwardthinking enough to use Skype.

      Liked by 1 person

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