There’s nothing more boldly masculine these days than donning a pink shirt and heading into the office.

And whilst this is to be celebrated in a day and age of LGBTQ+ excellence, the man bloke in a pink shirt is somewhat removed from that movement. They are not making a statement for the good of everyone. No, they are making another type of statement. One that says, “I’m different… out there… a go-getter! GIVE ME A PROMOTION!”

Some would argue the pink shirt has done to capitalism what onions did to communism—in that, slowly but surely, they eroded the very economic nature of being.

Should you, business owner, panic insanely upon sight of male employees arriving into work? Probably, yes. And this is what to do about it.

Pretty in Pink: How Macho Men Made a Bright Colour Their Own

The Pink Shirts at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. On page three of seven the Act states:

“Pink shirts are allowed in workplaces. While it is preferable the women wear this colour of shirt, if a male wishes to also wear this colour of shirt then he is permitted to do so. There is no indication the patriarchy blocks blokes from exerting their superiority while wearing pink. On the contrary, if a man can become rich while running a business and while wearing a pink shirt it proves anything is possible with a bit of hard work.”

The Act hasn’t been updated since 1974, leading to calls for an eighth page to be added in the name of modern sensibilities. Quite rightly, such calls have been dismissed as “woke”.

There is no need for an eighth page. Nor a ninth.

However, an 11th page may be acceptable due to it allowing those SNOWFLAKES demanding it access into the 11th circle of Hell!

How to Encourage Pink Shirt Man Bloke Wearing at Work

First course of action for any macho man bloke is to watch I Want to Break Free (as in, the official Queen video from 1985). Behold Freddie Mercury. He is glorious and amusing in his self-deprecation/liberation.

Your average geezer at work doesn’t operate like that, though, and instead:

• Doesn’t want to wear a pink shirt due to the belief he may appear effeminate.
• Wants to wear a pink shirt to prove he’s OUT THERE and says it how it is etc.

Now, of course, Rome wasn’t built in a day by men wearing pink shirts whilst subscribing to particularly bizarre concepts of success and clothing items.

But there’s not denying the allure of a man bloke in a pink shirt!

He could just stand there wearing a:

• White shirt
• Blue shirt
• Black shirt
• Green shirt
• Black/white striped shirt

The limited variation and boredom of corporate dress laid bare for the inanity it is. In recognition of that, the man bloke GOES BOLD and he dons a PINK SHIRT.

Truly, a celebration of utmost creativity is required here. Fanfares. Drum rolls. Red carpet. The full treatment.

As without these trailblazers leading society we’d all be living in communist Gulags.

What About Yellow Shirts?

Get the bloody hell out! PINK!? TO YELLOW?! OUT!

Enforcing Pink Shirts at Work

If you’re a particularly obnoxious dickhead (i.e. a successful go-getting business owner), then you may want everyone in your business wearing pink shirts.

This is incredibly noble and moves us to tears.

To enforce this business model, arrive to work in a pink shirt. Start yelling at employees that should, also, be wearing pink shirts. Belabour them. Inform them that, no, you’re not going to fund that as it’s not part of your overhead. Instead, they must align themselves with your inane business vision at their expense until you make them redundant in a few months or so to free up overhead to fund the supercar you’ve got your eye on.

With a fully pink shirt wearing workforce, you can be rest assured you’re pretty in pink.

The red blood splatter of enforcement will be a minor issue here. Pink is the colour of success. Just look at the:

• Pink Panther
• Pink (the pop singer)
• Candy floss
• Certain types of varicose veins

If you base your business model on a varicose vein level you’re guaranteed to be a billionaire before you can see, “Hang on, my veins really shouldn’t be turning that colour and why do I feel as if I’m about to pass out?!”

Conclusion: Pink is MANLY 💪

The manly stench of success if qualitative and quantitative. This is why:

• Because it is.

What you need going forward is to ensure all men in your office wear pink shirts. This may, or may not, be easy. It really depends on if you have any far-right maniacs operating on your premises—as that lot will put up a merry hell of a fight if you make them wear anything pink.

You can try to win them over with pink coated donuts, perhaps, but don’t hold your horses there. Expect responses such as, “Real men don’t wear pink!” Real men never cry. Real men never have pink eye.