The family dog is like the family cat (except it’s a dog). Additionally, dogs are much like that family cat—except for being an entirely different species, they’re exactly the same animal.

Irrespective of such a state of affairs, some families have backstabbing dogs that go behind them in Shakespearean fashion to the detriment of one and all. How does one cope with such a betrayal? Well, agony aunt has a canine based solution. Exit, pursued by a bear. Woof.

When the Family Dog Turns Out to be a Double-Crossing SOB

Dear agony aunt,

We’re a family of four and the pet dog Mandy. We were happy in our lives until recently when Mandy turned out to be the most insanely evil, backstabbing, double-crossing SOB poodle you could ever goddamn imagine. Can you believe it!? None of my friends or extended family do. They think I, Julie the matriarch of this family, has gone totally bonkers!

It’s true. Mandy is a conniving, fluffy thing. We’ve owned her for six months having picked her up from a shelter, DOING HER A BIG FAVOUR, and this is how she repays us! Into a loving home she’s come and she’s being a bitch about it. Case in point:

1. She stole my husband Greg’s wallet.
2. She stole my wallet.
3. She stole the kid’s toys and chewed them all up.
4. She gnawed on my grandmother’s ankles!!!

But worst of all. THE ABSOLUTE WORST! Is I discovered her devious plans that are analogous to the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. She’s storing them in her kennel, crudely drawn images of how she was plotting to tunnel under our home, place 400lbs of Semtex, and detonate it! I took these plans to the police and explained the family dog was trying to murder us but they just told me to stop “wasting police time” and gave me a warning.

So I went home to confront Mandy the poodle head on. She sat there wagging her tail at me and I casually announced while all nonchalant, “Mandy… why do you want to blow us all to smithereens?”

Mandy’s tail stopped wagging.

She turned her head to one side then rolled onto her back to expose her belly while snuffling.

I barked at her, “CUT THE CRAP, MANDY! I know your game!” And I waved her crudely drawn plans in her face. Mandy continued to feign dog-like innocence and do dog stuff. She got up and started scratching at the door like she does when she needs to go to the toiler. “No, I know your game, Mandy!” I said. But then she piddled on the carpet and that carpet is almost brand new and I cursed the day! So I had to let her outside to go and void and all the usuals, but with the intention of arresting her once she returned.

Well, she didn’t return. She’s legged it.

I’ve an issued a non-police sanctioned warrant for the dog’s arrest. I have a team of 12 vigilantes hired at £10,000 to track her down, return her here, and I DEMAND ANSWERS! WHY?! We gave her a fluffy bed with a pillow and premium quality dog food! This shall not stand!

Yours sincerely, Candy

Hi there, Candy! The Mandy situation truly is a disgusting state of affairs, but we know how you feel. We once had a pet hamster who hired a hitman so he’d have all the organic pumpkin seeds all to his hamster-based self.

Thankfully, we foiled the plan and so the hamster had to endure a life of one-two pumpkin seeds per day. That taught him a lesson about moderation!

As for your depraved dog, let us hope you’re able to track Mandy down and teach her some non-treason based tricks. Perhaps teach her the basics of fetch and/or shake-a-paw.

Because your average dog doesn’t usually try to detonate its owner’s home.

Just a heads up there. Best of luck!