Every human male has been there. He’s a good human male and deserves petting like a Labrador and being told he’s a “good boy”, but what happens INSTEAD IS HE JOINS A DATING APP AND GETS GHOSTED!

For the uninitiated, ghosting happens in the dating process when someone (i.e. THE WOMAN) suddenly cuts contact and is never heard from ever again. It’s generally viewed as a bad thing and gives ghosts a bad reputation.

As such, let’s explore this topic and highlight how and why ghosts should stop ghosting people and why man blokes should watch Ghostbusters (the 2016 reboots with the all-female cast) for tips.

How to Overcome Ghosting in Dating to Bag a Babe

Dear agony aunt,

I’m Dave and I’m 49 and I’m on dating app buts the babes are few and far in between at the moment and I’m dying on these apps man. One date in three months of PREMIUM SUBSCRIPTION on THREE dating apps and all I get is one date FFS. AND SHE WERE A MUNTER! Wtf?!

The rest has all GHOSTED me. What’s wrong with these women?! I’m a real catch:

• Got me own car
• I’m unemployed (meaning I got loads of free time to give her loads of attention and take her to KFC)
• I’ve just joined Reform and participated in recent Freedom Riots (i.e. far-riot lunacy)
• I’m 10/10 hot and can prove it with pictures

But the babes keep GHOSTING me. WTF? It’s because I’m bald I know it. Women DISCRIMINATE against baldies and it’s DISGUSTING no wonder so many men get hair transplants so I’ve taken to WEARING A WIG to get women but then they say “Why are you wearing a toupee?” and THEY ARE SO CRUEL!!!

I spoke to me mates about it. “Mates?” I says, “Yes, Dave, you prick?” (FYI men like joshing each other with names cos we’re not snowflakes and we say it how it is) and so I explained the ghosting. Turns out THEY’VE ALL BEEN GHOSTED, TOO! Then we had a good long chinwag about how women have too much control in dating these days and it were better in the good old days. Better for men, anyway, not for women of course. But that’s not part of my narrative, so I’ll ignore that bit.

Anyway, I should point out my mates are all married so shouldn’t really be on dating apps.

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN WOMEN SHOULD GHOST THEM.

Quite the opposite! If anything, they should be MORE nice to the married men. Like: “Thanks for taking the time to chat me up even though you’re married, dreamboat, that shows a strong character and a man who likes to take control of  situations (while being an unfaithful slimeball). That’s the type of man I, too, someday wish to marry!”

Like that. But in a way that sounds right, nice, and proper.

Anyway, I’m getting side-tracked. The ghosting thing. To get me revenge I started GHOSTING women back. That kinda backfired cos then I lost several dating opportunities cos I cut the dame out of my life. So that’s a bad tactic. Not doing that again. After that I then started bombarding women with messages:

• hi
• hru
• how r u
• wuu2
• we’re u frome
• wot u doin
• give me ur no babe

In 48 hours I sent out 5,671 of those messages to broads across the three apps I was on. Guess what? The woke bastards went and BANNED me from the apps! NOW I CAN’T MESSAGE ANYONE AT ALL AND I’M LEFT TO APPROACHING RANDOM WOMEN IN THE STREET!

Still, the ghosting has stopped. But then I went on a new app AND IT’S STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN!

Mate… give us a hand, eh? I need your help. Rumour on the street is you’re the worst agony aunt on the internet and I reckon I may get one in a billion here and get a good bit of advice from you.

Cheers,

Dave

Thanks for taking the time to write to us, Dave!

Okay, now to helping you with our EXPERT advise. Why would ghosts go on dating apps? Wouldn’t they just want to date other ghosts? We can’t see a ghost/human relationship working out very well in any capacity. Even if the ghost was really, really rich.

Our suggestion to you? Go gay. You seem like the type of guy who’s open-minded and tolerant to LGBTQ+ equality, so hit on some blokes and you’ll be less likely to wallow in self-enforced misery. All the best, dude!