Wokeness has driven us here at Professional Moron into PAROXYMS of rage. Our favourite tabloids have provided us with so many hardcore FACTS about the woke, we find it difficult to breathe.

To try and calm ourselves down about this complete non-issue that some people have, inexplicably, driven themselves into a state of hysteria about, we’ve compiled the comprehensive WOKE LIST.

The Ultimate List of Woke Stuff

Behold the WOKE LIST. It is a thing of pure, yet volatile, horrifying beauty. It’s like gazing upon a really ugly bloke who’s hit the gym and so has the body of Adonis.

Brace yourselves brave and noble folk who’ve succumbed to a moral panic whipped up by right-wing billionaire oligarchs as part of an inane demagogue… this list gets nasty. Here we go:

• Punctuation marks
  • Especially commas and em dashes
• Vegan food
  • But particularly vegan cheese
• The Guardian
• Hair dye
  • Particularly blue hair dye
• Brown bread
• Rye bread
• Semi-skimmed milk
• Milk alternatives
  • Particularly almond milk
• Avocados
• Netflix
• George Monbiot
• Mark Owen
• You’re Wrong About
• You Are Good
• Sooz Kempner
• Non-traditional sandwiches
  • E.g. Rye bread with HOUMOUS spread instead of butter
• Gender-neutral bathrooms
• SOCIALISM!!!!
  • RAGE! RAGE! RAGE!
• Books with big words in them
• Books with little words in them
• Just… books in general
  • Plus, reading (unless it’s of tabloids)
• Films
• Movies
• Cinema
• Arthouse cinema
• Anything in black and white
• Films with women in them
• Autism
• ADHD
• Depression
• In fact, anything to do with mental health
• Climate change
• Tornados
• Cabbage
• Bubble and squeak
• Millennials
• Millennial snowflakes
• The Oscars
• Wokingham
• Sleeping
• Cocktails
• Foot massages
• Buses
• Geese
• Green tea
• Any tea that doesn’t look like a builder’s brew
• Inclusive language because this just annoys us a bit because we’re easily triggered by innocuous phrases for some arbitrary reason
• Environmentalism
  • GRETA THUNBERG
• Diverse representation in cinema because all actors should be male and white and Conservative
• Anything that moves away from traditional norms
  • Such as burning witches at  the stake. That was traditional. It should be brought back.
• Political correctness because if we want to go around being an obnoxious bigot, that us OUR perogative
• Marmalade
• Formula 1 these days (it were better in t’olden days)
• Men who aren’t REAL MEN anymore
• Crying
• Getting weepy when watching Titanic
• Engines that aren’t loud
• Electric vehicles
• Formula E
• Bluesky
• Vegan cheese (think we already covered that one, but worth reiterating)
• Low salt foods
• Petrochemicals
• Nuclear power
• Space
• Physics
• People who use roombas instead of MANLY hoovers
• Cocktail sticks
• Recycling bins
• Whispering
• Song and dance
• Yodelling
• Toenail clippers
• Brazilian body waxing
• Informed documentaries
• Art
• Abstract expressionism
• Guns without bayonets fixed to them
• Seatbelts
• Bobble hats
• Civilised debate
• Those drinks bottles with the plastic lid that now doesn’t come off
• Teenagers (apart from the non-woke ones)
• Artificial intelligence
• Rainbow (the TV series)
• Queen (the band)
• Mittens
• Shrek
• Kittens
• Shrek 2
• Advanced mathematics
• Excel spreadsheets
• Haiku
• Frogs
• Omicron Persei 8
• Lisa Simpson
• Keeping a notebook
• Keeping a diary
• Mouthwash
• Personal hygiene
• Deodorant
• Bathing
• Radiators
• Dating apps
• Having less than one devoted wife
• Having less than one devoted girlfriend
• Not having a woman readily available to do all your cooking and cleaning
• Shrimps
• Prawns
  • King Size Prawns are A okay, though
• Frozen lobster
  • Be a man! Catch a live one and consume it RAW
• Cooked steak
• Beetroot juice
• Boxes to hold stuff
  • Be a man! Carry it yourself!
• Not having massive biceps
• Not having regular fits of inexplicable steroid rage
• Going for a walk in the morning instead of a run
• Drinking tea instead of coffee
• Anti-Royal sentiments
• Communism (again, just it’s been a while since we first mentioned it so best to provide a reminder here)
• Gangrene
• Scurvy
• Vegan haggis
• Vegan sausage rolls
• Poodles
• Anaesthetic
• Video games
  • Except the really violent ones. They’re not WOKE!
• Sandwiches served on plates
• Canadian geese
• Cats
• Stephen King novels
• Mark Hamill
• Skirting boards
• Chandeliers
• Architraves
• Anything other than concrete building foundations
• Hammocks
• Garlic bread
• Tinned salmon
• Moving documentaries
• Sleet
  • It’s woke snow
• Romance
• Hamsters
• Bookstooge’s comment: “Dude, have you ever eaten vegan cheese? It is even worse than it sounds…”
• House of Heart’s comment: “long live Woke!”
• Resa’s comment: “I PROTEST!!! I demand cabbage be removed from this list, immediately! What are you? Some sort of capitalist?”

Disclaimer: Please note, we will add to this list of WOKE STUFF over the years ahead as and when more woke things arrive (that is unless FREEDOM prevails and EVERYTHING WOKE is obliterated from the face of the Earth).