The Da Vinci Code is a book by Dan Brown. But did you know a similar book was written by someone called Daniel Brawn? The London-born author, and conspiracy theorist nutcase, self-published the work in 2023.

Since then, Mr. Beige has become swamped in a mire of bizarre incidents that have overshadowed the launch of his debut novel.

With notoriety comes fame and fortune, with Mr. Beige now comfortably able to rent a small dilapidated flat in London with the bathroom in the bedroom with the kitchen (at the affordable sum of £4,500 p/m—no pets). All thanks to a stupid little book about toads that barely makes any sense.

Amphibians Galore in The Da Vinci Toad

“History is always written by the toads. When two toads clash, the loser is obliterated, and the winner writes the history books—books which glorify their own toads and disparage the conquered foe. As Napotoad once said, ‘What is history, but a fable agreed upon?'”

So begins this 50 page book about amphibians. There’s no plot, no structure, just ranting and lots of Da Vinci Code lifted almost verbatim. It’s one of the most incoherent reads we’ve ever read.

However, the final chapter (comprising some 10 pages) goes on an extraordinary, profane, volatile, expletive-laden anti-toad rant. The author argues that frogs are vastly superior:

“The toad worshipper is prone to lice, probably has scurvy, and I dare say is as dumb as poo. I can’t stand people who like toads. They are subhuman scumbags and I farmers blow my nose in their direction. Scum of the Earth!”

This one paragraph caused much consternation in the amphibian community, especially those in favour of frogs.

There were immediate, and relentless, calls for Mr. Brawn to either be jailed, executed, or turned into a frog. In fact, an online petition gathered some 114 million votes for a witch to turn Mr. Brawn into an amphibian.

However, as witches don’t exist this petition had to be side-lined and, instead, was replaced by demands for the writer to be smothered to death by a billion frogs.

Mr. Brawn, who lives in Leicester of Leicestershire, UK, was convicted for crimes against frogs and sentenced to death by frog smothering in December 2024.

Mr. Brawn’s Death By Frog Smothering

Mr. Brawn appealed his conviction, but in early January 2025 he faced up to his crimes. He did not weep, nor show any other emotion, other than as his final words announce to the gathered crowd:

“Buy my book! It’s great. Also, get stuffed, you slimy toad loving wankers!”

He then proceeded to flip off the gathered crowed repeatedly, that is until the toads were unleashed and he was smothered. There weren’t a billion toads, but there were 300 of them.

Unfortunately, this didn’t result in Mr. Brawns death. He simply emerged from the smothering looking slimy and confused. As he survived, it was decided by authorities he was a “good sort” and let go free of charge.

Negative Review Bombing of The Da Vinci Toad

Following the news Mr. Brawn had survived his intended execution, outraged frog enthusiasts took to book reviewing sites to bombard his work with extremely, really bad, stunningly negative reviews. One read:

“I really don’t like this book. Not one book. In fact, I’m willing to stick my neck out and say that this book is, in fact, utter RUBBISH.”

In a fit of rage, Mr. Brawn hired a private investigator to have that particular reviewer hunted down. It’s believed a lawsuit will follow suit.

Let the moral of this story weigh heavily on you all. Don’t read The Da Vinci Toad. Don’t go anywhere near toads. Only do so if you’re picking Toad in, like, Mario Kart 8 or something. Because he’s not really a toad, he’s a mushroom.