Gen Z lads these days often sport a perm as it’s trendy and all that. Thus, what follows is an older human male having a mid-life crisis and also getting a perm.

This tragic nature of perm envy can have far-reaching consequences for any marriage.

As with today’s human female, whom is struggling with how she is going to steer her family through this perm-based crisis for the next 20+ years.

Perm Envy: When Older Men Lose Their Cool

Dear agony aunt,

My husband Fred is 51 and has had a personal crisis in his life. His hair is thinning but he’s got enough of it to cobble together, not the expected combover I was expectedly expecting, but a PERM like the way those snowflake woke Gen Z “men” do. I’m beside myself with terror at what this will mean for my social standing. I run an independent boutique in the local town and CURSE the day my husband chose to do this!

Our children, 10 and 11 respectively, are deeply embarrassed about his perm.

Embarrassment doesn’t cover it for me. It’s a mortal wound that has pierced into mine very soul and left me reeling, sobbing, and in a fit of depression so strong I’ve even stopped drinking my erstwhile nightly bottle of Prosecco.

Well, enough is enough! Last night I challenged Fred on his selfishness. Paraphrasing a bit, but this is what he said back to me, his wife of 20 years:

“Doris. I’ve put up with your nagging for the last 20 year about mine hair! 20 YEAR!”

He started roaring at this point and his face went very red and he had a coughing fit. Then he resumed his tirade:

“20 YEAR! I’ve now decided to do something… FOR ME! This perm makes me feel 20 year younger. The perm is hair to stay. If you’ve got a problem with that, woman, then you can take a bleedin’ ‘ike!”

We’ve not spoken a word to each other since. I’m so angry I drank a bottle of Prosecco this morning to deal with the rage. Then another. Then I came to at 3pm and wrote you this email and I’m very hungover and filled with the fury of a woman scorned.

How do I get rid of that bloody perm!?

Yours,

Doris

Hi there, Doris! Indeed, perm-based envy is one of the greatest threats of our time. Fred has, sadly, succumbed to the allures of a mighty fine perm, but fear not! There are some things you might be (maybe) able to do about it! Including, but not limited to:

• Simply ignoring his perm
• Watching his male psyche crumble as Gen Z lads point and laugh at his embarrassing attempts to fit into a generation he doesn’t belong to
• Get a perm yourself
• Wait 10 years, by which point male pattern balding may well have claimed his perm
• Hobbling him with a sledgehammer (last resort)

Otherwise, I’m afraid you’re a bit stuck on this one. For once a human male perms it up a notch, it’s a lifelong commitment. No going back. No abandoning ship on this one, matey. Unless…

You may wish to take up the following mantra (it rhymes):

BURN THE PERM

This’ll involve a canister of petrol and some matches, along with your husband’s perm, and may result in third-degree burns. It will, however, obliterate the perm.

Worth thinking about, Doris. ⛽