Some human males like their coffee simple. Others want to make a big scene of it in coffee shops and indulge in the most obnoxious fussiness imaginable in the name of coffee-based perfection.

Today’s human female owns such a husband. His fussy fussing is the bane of her life, to the extent she’s seriously considered hobbling him with a sledgehammer.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, she’s decided to take a more legal route by asking us here at agony aunt central (even though we don’t have a permit and operate as a black market agony aunt).

When Your Husband is One of Those Annoying Jerks in Coffee Shops Being Fussy

Dear agony aunt,

My prick of a husband, Micky, is a jerk! He was okay until three months ago, then he got a promotion at work and has been spending his extra money at Starbucks, Pret, Nero, and all those other posho coffee chains professionals like being seen in.

Problem is, he’s become a tyrannical bastard with his orders.

His favourite drink is the mocha cookie crumble Frappuccino with five pumps of syrup and cinnamon frosting atop the frothy lot. That’d be fine, except he’s become a control freak megalomaniac about it and now terrorises the barista serving him with pompous perfectionism and what he calls “constructive criticism”. He’s been banned from a few shops because of his behaviour, after which he went on Yelp! and left scathing 1/5 reviews (“essays” as he calls them) about how he feels “regarding the establishments”.

Worse still are the times I’m with him and he makes the order. Yesterday we were in Starbucks and he exploded with rage when the barista only added four pumps of syrup and missed the cinnamon dusting on the coffee froth. Micky stood there huffing and puffing, demanded to speak to the manager, and refused to consume the drink unless it was properly made otherwise he “might die”.

Micky demanded the drink was made over and over until he was 100% satisfied with it. We were there for hours! It was a nightmare. Only on the 17th attempt did he consider the mocha cookie crumble Frappuccino to be “acceptable” and he drank half of it then explained he was suffering from “ennui” due to the subpar performance from the staff. He left a 1/5 Yelp! review for that particular Starbucks and informed the serving team and manager they are “a blight on civilised society”.

The manager called him a “very rude man” and my husband called him the “worst coffee shop owner since… time began!” and stated he would never be using that store ever again. All the other customers were looking at Micky like he was the worst human being on Earth and I felt real shame that day. I agreed with the manager. Can you believe it? Some spotty 18 year old teenager who’d risen the ranks of Starbucks and I’m there agreeing with him because my 45 year old husband can’t get over his mocha cookie crumble Frappuccino having one cookie bit out of place in his mind’s eye of perfectionism.

What do I do about him? I’ve considered the usual hobbling via sledgehammer, but I don’t have a sledgehammer and I also don’t want to go to jail over that.

Thanks,

Amanda

Hi there, Amanda. Your husband is what is known in the hospitality sector as a “difficult customer”.

Whilst we sympathise with your relationship struggles, we can’t be bothered dealing with this one as we’re tea drinkers. Therefore, we recommend you call the Samaritans or join the Church of Scientology—in either one you’ll find the sound advice you’re looking for. You may even get a free cup of coffee (if you’re lucky).